Monday, July 31, 2006

modern medicine

over 5 hours late my mom was finally taken into the operating room. we were initially told that her surgery was going to take double the amount of time the one she had 2 years ago. after only a hour and half i finally got the call that i've been waiting on since 10 am this morning. my dad said that she was out and that everything went great. she was in recovery and would be there for at least the next hour. i'm amazed that someone in their wisdom discovered means to heal our broken bodies.

my childhood friend also underwent a mastectomy today. what is crazy is that she is my age, but she has a husband and 2 small boys. she as well came out great. she was a little tired but doing well. unlike my mom she has a more unknown recovery but again medicine may have healed her today.

thank you jesus for modern medicine.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

my mom

tomorrow my mom goes back in for surgery so i'm praying that the doctors will "fix" her and that she can live the life that she desires. i also don't get to go down there so i'm sitting in michigan waiting, praying, and trusting god will not leave here.

today she told me that she never thought she would see the day that i would admit to being like her. but what she doesn't know is that there hasn't been many days in my adult life that i would want to be like anyone else. she's great and she's my mom!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

why can't i just be there?

i love my mom and feel this need to take care of her when she's down. i knew she need to have another back surgery for about a month but today she called and said it was going to be on the 31st and not the 31st of august the 31st in 4 days.

i'm sad cuz i can't be with her

i'm sad cuz my mom is in pain

i'm sad cuz sometimes the only way to show her how great my love is, is to just be with her

mom i love you

if you knew would it change anything?

i'm over weight, out of shape, doing something about it, and it hurts. i don't know how many times i've heard something, anything about how the more weight you gain the harder it is to lose or the more you weigh the great health risk you have. i even watched my grand parents lose their life in part due to their weight and health issue. so you would think that i would be smarter by now right?

the fact is that i really haven't worked out seriously in over 2 years. 2 years ago i lost 30lbs and was running 6 days a week, but then i broke my leg and gave out hope on ever getting serious again. well last night i had the most intense workout i've had in over 12 years or more and i feel it today.

my question is, if i would have realized 10 years ago how much work it would be, hard sore i would be, and the time commitment to work out and watch what i eat would i have changed anything?

there are so many things in life i wish i could re-do, some many times i've failed both myself and god and knew better. so would i have changed anything? maybe, possibly, but probably not. that is where my need to serve flesh shows up and the grace of god reveals its self. maybe i could have made different decisions or choices but my character would be different, i might not have grown, and i might still be shallow. i'm glad i don't do it right the first time most of the time. i'm glad that even today i get to learn regardless of what i know.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

i could sleep for a week

i'm not sure why but lately i feel like i could sleep for a week. yeah i had my niece and nephews for 5 days but for the most part we all slept in. it could be in part because i did have to get up an hour earlier for work to make sure they were ready and then take them to a babysitter, but i don't think it is that either.

is it because i'm getting old? okay older. ever since i went on vacation i haven't been able to catch up but i did rest while i was away so what is it? when i was a kid i was the one that got up at 5 am just so i could be with my dad.

most of my life i've been told how alike the 2 of us are. he is an early riser i was a an early riser, he likes sports i like sports, and it went on and on, but something changed for me. i don't think it is my diet because i'm finally eating pretty healthy and smaller portions i even joined the gym and actually going to that. so what is it?

the last few weeks i've taken advantage of the michigan weather and headed to the beach for a day out. i've read, i've swan, i've enjoyed the sun and again this weekend i plan the same thing except i keep thinking maybe i should stay home and sleep. i'm i alone here or does anyone else just feel like you can't catch up? does anyone else ever skip the beach for the bed?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

living as a bi-racial person

i have had so many conversations about the color of my skin, my eyes, and the parents that i've come from and still don't know what it means to be bi-racial. i always feel like i end up somehow defending who i am and why i'm proud of that. i mean i always tell people that i'm mexican and well i am but i don't always say that i'm half white as well. why?

i think that part of it is that i don't have to explain the white part but it does make up half of me and comes from one of my best friends, my mom. she is strong, independent, intelligent, puts up with every bit of crap i've ever given, and loves unconditionally. but then there is this part of me that is different the part of me that came from my dad and from my grandparents that gives my brown skin, thick brown hair, and a passion to fight for other mexican's. obviously i know that i couldn't be me without the other but why do i always sway one way?

today for instance someone at the Y made a comment about how i was so incredibly tan (and yes i just came back from palm springs where i only laid out 3 times and i did go to the beach yesterday so i have more color than just 3 weeks ago) and that i must be laying out at the beach every day. i could have just taken this from her smiled and walked away, but instead i said "well i am 1/2 mexican". so again i have this obvious defense about me, but why?

maybe it is my need to be different or to not fit the mold, but i just can't shake the feeling that is has to be more than that. once i cut my hair off people would ask me if i was 1/2 black and white, or other mexicans would ask me why i had mexican skin and white people eyes. so for me i have always had to explain who i was and until now it has always been about my race.

on the other hand i have had people say well you don't look mexican (considering i live in michigan during the winter my skin is lighter, america for the record that is just how it works) but what they don't realize is that regardless of what they think i look like i still am mexican. or i've had people say "i'm colored blind so i don't even see your color" okay if you are anyone who isn't white you have probably heard this and hate it as much as i do. if you are someone who has ever said this you have officially become an extremely ignorant person. if you don't see our color then you are blind "not color blind", i'm not ashamed of the color of my skin so please don't act like it is a bad thing.

i don't have the answers to the whole bi-racial issues, but i can say that i learn more everyday, i'm proud of both of my parents for loving each other regardless of what their families said, and i think that in the book of revelation talks about all tribes and tongues will come together, it will finally understand how and why god cared enough to make us different!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

the end of my two weeks offs

i've been back from la for 2 days and i'm getting ready to head back to the office tomorrow. i can't believe how fast these last two weeks have gone by. i spent nearly a week in iowa and the last week in la visiting with family and enjoying the hottest weather i've ever experienced. (total side note, if anyone thinks visiting palm springs in july is a good idea they are full of it)

during this last week i split my time between palm springs and la and palm springs was 110 just about every day. it was so hot that the pool at our condo was enjoyable. well not until the last night when we decided to be as stupid as possible with our pool toys and i nearly got a concussion on a raft. yes, i said it was stupid.

anyway, we had a red eye flight so we were in lax at 10 pm on thursday night and at 2 am while sitting on the plane for over 2 hours we were told our flight was canceled due to an electronic problem. my problem with this wasn't that the plane couldn't (and shouldn't fly with me on it) but that they took 2 hours to decided that. since there were 8 of us flying together we decided to stay at the airport until at least 4 am until united opened back up so we could check in our luggage. finally at 5 am we made it to our hotel and i got 3 hours of sleep before grabbing a quick bite and heading back to lax. after almost 24 hours i finally made it back to grand rapids and was thrilled to see my family again.

i guess you don't really know how much you love and depend on them until you are gone from them. i'm really not used to not seeing my brother and sister for 2 weeks (considering that we all live in the same house) and it was nice to have a meal, catch up on life, and enjoy being together again.

but, being back also means that it is over and tomorrow i get up and go back to work. having been off for 2 weeks i hope to have something more to offer the office that i didn't when i left.