i bought a house

i bought a house!!!

our last night of youth ministry for the school year

last night we had our final youth ministry night of the school year and it ended similar to how it started with lots of giggles, boys hanging out in the back talking through and over everyone else, and anticipation of what happens next.

i've survived my first year with the madison youth group and i have to admit that there were times i didn't think i could make it but i did and i praise god because of it. i wasn't super close to many of the seniors (well at least not as much as some of the other students) but it was very emotional to say goodbye. for some of them they'll stay around gr for others they'll start working, and some will be going away from college but i realized that they have all played a part in what god's done in me over these last nine months. i've seem some of these guys grow and stumble all in one week but they've all gotten back up.

to all of you i pray god's blessings upon you, i pray that you will never feel so far that you don't come back, i pray that all of the hope, love, disappointment, joy, forgiveness, and regret that you may encounter will make you stronger, but mostly i pray that you will stand strong that you will know who you are and stand for it, and that you will come back and share your stories when the time is right.

life hasn't stopped

it's been 3 days since I got the bad news from my friend and the shock still seems as fresh as it was then. maybe i expect to much and it still should be fresh but i just look around and realize that nothing else has had to stop. the mom had to redo all of her financial papers, the kids had to go to school, life continued. doesn't having a spouse walk out on you constitute a life pause?

my brother and his wife found out on monday that they're having a boy. it was such an exciting moment to get that call and her my brother say "i'm going to have a son" and you're going to have nephew".

life didn't stop.

my mom left after a glorious visit. life didn't stop

now i'm sitting here and wish i could make it all stop even if it was just for a few minutes. even more i wish we could go back and relive and redo those moments where in the midst of joy, sorrow, and regret life didn't stop.

why would you?

i got one of those calls tonight from a close family friend who told me that her dad packed up and moved to florida with the woman he's been having an affair with. i've known about the affair for a few months but i thought they were working things out???

how could you leave?

what are we supposed to say to your kids now?

who are you to think you have the power to destroy them, to destroy us?

if you ever read this i hope you know we'll make it without you, we'll be stronger because of what you've done.

i hope you get help. i hope you know god hasn't turned from you. i hope one day you come back and reconcile yourself to your family. i hope you remember you have a family.

where u at conference

so this weekend was the "where u at" urban conference hosted by youth unlimited a great organization here in gr that serves the local church through events and training. anyway we had over 200 students attend and it was one of the best ministry experiences of my life. this was my first urban youth event and i couldn't believe how god showed up in these students lives. for so many of them there god showed up and showed out. the preaching was ridiculous not to mention the worship. one thing that just left me speechless was the student leaders that took charge and basically ran the event with a little help from their leaders.

i had the opportunity to speak to about 100 or so girls about sex and the consequences of sex outside marriage. i don't know if it will make a difference in all of their lives but i know that god spoke through me and used all that was left in me to speak to them.

but one of the highlights for me came saturday during lunch. you see at this event we played hype music and played it loud and at some point kirk franklin's "stomp" came on and we were dancing in our seats and i told one of my students that we need to do the hustle to which she said "you can't do the hustle in here". if you know me you know i don't back down so i got up when to the middle of the cafeteria (this was a huge open space) and started the hustle with another leader and by the end we had well over 100 students participating in it. and if that wasn't good enough they played it again this morning so i got up and started it again and this time we even got our preacher from the general session to do it with us!

an exciting yet strange night

tonight a group of 20 or so women got together to have dinner an small bridal shower for one of my best friends. we went to san chez and had a fantastic dinner a lot of great conversation and catching up with friends i haven't seen in a long time.

it wasn't until after the party that my night became a little stranger than normal. i had to run to the store to pick up my cousin's baby shower gift and when i was checking out my brother called and said "did you order a pizza?". now i'm thinking why would i order a pizza if i wasn't at home and just had this fantastic dinner, so i said no and that it must be a mistake. that is when he said "the pizza guy said it was for jamie and that it was already paid for". at this point i'm totally freaking out and really don't want to go home in case my crazy pizza stalker is waiting for me. i even went so far to say don't eat the pizza we don't know who it came from.

then on the drive home i felt like i would lose my mind trying to figure out who sent it so i started calling people. then it hit me there is this guy that i've dated on and off but, we really haven't gone out in six months or more but we've been talking again. so i called him and sure enough it was him. he said that he thought i would enjoy the pizza and just wanted me to have it.

how sweet is that? this isn't even the first time he's done that, he's left breakfast on my front porch early in the morning as i'm leaving for work. he is such a good guy and i really need to pray about and see if he is someone that i should date again. we didn't break up or anything because of anything bad but, because i freak out when things look like they are getting serious. crazy thing is that is exactly what i want.

god protect my family

the lord is my shepherd, i lack nothing.
he makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
he guides me along the right paths
for his name's sake
even though i walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

you prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
surely your goodness and love will
follow me
all the days of my life,
and i will dwell in the house of the lord
forever.

my last night at npc

it's been a long week and i'm on day 10 but the bright side is that i'll be leaving in 2 days. i'm so excited to finally be going home and to see tony, sue, and all the kids. i miss my church and while i love being here i just haven't connected to the convention like i did last year so i'm feeling the loss of church over these last two weeks.

it was a lot of fun to have my pastor and the teaching staff from madison hear and sharing in on this experience. there is something about serving pastors that just makes everything seem worth the long hours and sleepless nights. we've had so many people come through to just thank us (all of the z staff and volunteers) for all of our work and for making them feel welcomed.

we did something very new this year and added a digital cafe where our attendees could just relax, listen to some music, and be alone. i wasn't sure how things would work but we were all pleased when it was filled daily and became a gathering place.

it will be hard to leave the warm weather and friends i have here but i'm ready. cheers to another great npc.

npc update

well i've been in san diego for a week now and i'm just finally getting a chance to sit down and catch my breath. wednesday i got here and things were a little rough for me, thursday wasn't much better but i made it through it. friday night i got to spend with the focklers (my california family).

saturday is when i thought the world was falling. somewhere around noon i got a call that grand rapids was under a blizzard and our team wasn't able to make it out (well at least not all of them). the great news is that everyone made it out here some late but made it safe. thank you jesus. sunday started about 2 hours later than we had hoped it would but we worked hard and worked together and got the job done. we even convinced our hotel staff to bring a tv to us so we could watch the super bowl. sorry bears.

monday was a long day and our team worked diligently to get all of our tasks done. i don't think everyone thought we could pull it off but we did and everything looks great. i heard from a few of our leadership folks that they thought the store looked better than it ever has. that doesn't have anything to do about me but all about our volunteers and staff memebers. yesterday was our first official day and today is our first full day. things are busy but pastors are being served. it is so nice to see familiar faces and catch up their life's happenings over the last year.

please pray for us during the last 4 days. we are excited to see what is going to happen and how god is going to move. i miss all of you.

misguided priorities

I hate when I realize how I’ve failed god, and yes that is strong language but it’s true. But at the same time I love the fact that I’ve finally recognized it. I’ve been trying to find my joy my happiness in things that without a doubt were wrong. For instance when something goes wrong at work I’m instantly sad and depressed like I’ve failed at life and assume that it means I’m not good that I don’t know what I’m doing (okay that part may be a little true sometimes). But what isn’t true is my job will never make me happy or at least it can’t be the source of my happiness. Neither can my friends or my family because just like my job I’m left disappointed at some point in our journey.

Last night was one of those moments that I realized my happiness has been misguided for years. It is such a freeing place to be and I can’t help but smile and enjoy the lesson I finally learned. Do I think it will be easy? No. But at least now I have the foundation to come back to.

I heard someone say once that when she started looking for her joy in her husband and not her heavenly father she knew that their relationship was in trouble. So for right now I’m going to practice finding joy in him that created me and finds joy in me learning from Him.

Shalom

good and the bad

it's been so long since i've posted i feel as if i almost forgot how to. well here it goes...

the last week has literally been one of the most stressful i've ever had. my brother and his wife of 7 months found out they were expecting their first child on new years day. this news alone should have set my heart on fire, but it didn't, well not right away. as days passed by i began getting excited more and more. you see the 3 of us live is a 3 story historic house and their apartment is below mine so i knew i would get to play a huge part in the baby's life.

but then it happened, last friday i came home from work to find out that sue started spotting and continued spotting for the next 2 days. the doctors weren't totally alarmed but we were and wanted answers now. this week she had here blood drawn twice and got back okay news some even called it good news but not great. then yesterday she and tony went to the doctors and had their first ultrasound and got the great news we prayed for. sue was 6 weeks and 5 day yesterday and the baby had a very strong 116 heart rate (which is perfect for how far along she is). but when they called to tell me the news i cried like a baby.

since friday i prayed faithfully that this baby was perfect, that it was growing, and that it would be part of our family in another 8 months or so. but yesterday i was listening to a song that said "He know my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear i cry"...then goes on to say..."I was fearfully and wonderfully made"...which i believe with every piece of my person. but yesterday i began praying out of fear, i prayed out of doubt, and i believed that maybe our prayers were not enough.

then i thought but if Psalm 139 is correct then every day is already accounted for with this child so do my prayers even need to happen. i questioned if we even needed the hundred's of people i petitioned to pray alongside of us even need to pray for this child. but it it struck me, my prayers, our prayers for this baby were counted before our own conceptions as well. one of the reasons that god made me was to come upon this week and pray feverishly that against all odd this baby "our new baby" will continue to bring joy to our lives.

thank you Jesus.

my last nywc for 2006

i'm in cincinnati at the national youth workers convention but this is the last one i'm attending this year. i'm not sure if i've enjoyed this year more because i'm back in ministry or at least more purposeful about ministry but whatever the reason i've devouring the information being presented.

2 weeks ago i heard shane claiborne for the first time and cried for 3 hours while i simply tried to unpack his message and life. shane lives and works at the simple way in north Philadelphia. he talked about what he learned from mother theresa, from the homeless, the poor, the broken, and the least. i realized for maybe the first time that there has to be more to life than all of this. yeah i've gotten mad at our society, our value, and so many other things i don't have time to write them but i've been a pacifist instead of an activist. so for the last 2 weeks i've been contemplating all that i've taken in and what does it mean for me now.

now here i've listened to donald miller last night and brenda salter mcneil today and both just blew me away. i've only heard donald a few times but it just seems like he gets life. he talked about how the church used to be in a cross and that today our society is in malls or entertainment facilities. don't get me wrong these work but i would question if something is lost when we lose that cross. i can't remember the last time that i set in a pew or picked up a hymnal. why? i guess i'm trying to say that i miss it.

and if donald's all to close to home message wasn't enough brenda set it off this morning with your talk about "who are you?" and who are our students. she made a comment that she purposed that the highest act of worship is to become who god says you are. wow. i can't express enough how many times i question who i am, so if brenda's theory is accurate then i'm doing exactly what saddens god and not worship him at all in those moments. but the thing that i resonated with the most is that when you are looking for god (i would add even looking for yourself) and don't see him then look again.

our culture today

until recently i've not been purposeful about understanding what the culture around me is doing, about how the culture has shaped who i have become, and how it will shape my future and the lives of the students i work with. i'm not sure why this has never been a hot point for me but it hasn't.

in the last week and a half we've seen 6 kids shot to death in their schools, 2 grown men killing kids and then killing themselves, 1 principle killed and a freshman being charge with his murder. so i guess if i'm willing to deal with it or not culture is shape us.

even the ny times is talking about how our kids are losing their faith, well if i want to be fair to the paper they said our kids are abandoning their faith. what is that supposed to mean? do i have a role in not letting this happen?

i don't want to say this doesn't scare me, because it does but i refuse to life in the fear that the students of today won't love jesus tomorrow. i can't live in that fear and it won't do me any good if i did. i come to events like nywc and realize that there is hope and that no amount of media will ever be able to capture the essence of who god is and what he is doing in the lives of his chosen.

the reality that i live in is i love students. i love being with them and being a constant in their lives and when i come to an nywc i see thousands of people who also love student and love them even more than i do. so i do have hope.

understanding culture and not being blind to what is going on around me is just a necessary, but i have hope.

nywc prayer walk

there are so many things that happen behind the curtain that most people don't know about to make nywc happen. this morning is one of my favorite moments of pre-convention when we have our prayer walk. this a time when all of the staff and volunteers go around to the labyrinth, the prayer chapel, headquarters, main stage, the exhibit hall, and the bookstore and pray for all of the attendee and all of us working. to someone who doesn't come to this type of event it might not seem like a big deal. but coming into a room and blessing it and making sure that it is a safe and holy place that healthy and broken people can come together is more beautiful than i can explain.

so before life begins moving at a pace faster then our souls handle i'm going to take some time to pray, to soak in all that god will do here, and to slow down even if it is for 5 minutes.

nywc austin

well it is that time of the year again and the national youth workers convention are in full gear. i'm in austin right now and we are trying to get all of the last minute details finished before the major rush starts. we should have 2,500 hundred or so youth workers here.

this year is going to be different for me. i'm hoping to attend more seminars, more general sessions, and have more meaningful conversations with youth workers in the trenches. but the big difference for me is that i'm back in ym as well. i've taken the last couple of years off and i just couldn't do it anymore.

i hope to blog regularly about the highlights of the convention during the week so stay tuned for more dialog and a lot of photos.

peace

how could this happen...

she didn't ask for it,
why did she have to black out,
and they were supposed to be her friends,
i want to hate them for her,
i want to go to the police for her,
why her?

why does she have a drinking problem,
will she ever feel normal again,
will she ever feel safe?

you don't have the right to her,
god save her,
god give her strength,
god heal her

do you even hear her cries,
do you see her in her in bed at night,
do you forgive her?

give us the strength to stand by her,
give her the strength to let us in,
why?
how?
bless her

fear

could it really happen again? since i'm out on the west coast and attending a convention it was pretty late before i got back to my room last night and at this point the news had already broken about the attempted terrorist attacks. so last night i went to bed in fear of what the morning would bring. would our country actually have to live out another 9/11? would we as a nation be too scared to fly? would we actually come together as people?

but then it hit me. i actually did fly on the 1st anniversary of 9/11 so i wasn't scared anymore or at least i didn't think i was. but why are we americans so special the reality is the rest of the world is suffering under these attacks daily. i'm sorry for taking the world for granted. i'm sorry for not getting on my knees and praying when the rest of the worlds breaking news comes across my screen.

today i thank god for allowing these terrorist to be captures and pray to god for mercy for rest of the world that are not allowed the privileges that those of us in the america are.

dcla

tonight is the second night of dcla and we have about 5,000 students in the big room. the big room is a gathering where the students are going through the book of john in the spoken word, rap, drama, singing, ect and it was beautiful to hear and watch them. their are a number of artist, authors, and speakers that are doing the main stage and tonight i felt like i was in church and the preacher was preaching. (and i along with the majority loved it)

i'm so blessed and honored to be connected with a company that cares this much about kids lives, about loving them without condition, about excepting them with all of their flaws, and being real with them.

it's been a lot of years since i've been at an event this big that is for students and the last 2 days have felt like a time of renewal of purpose. i am meant to do what i do, i am designed to love kids, i was created to follow him.

the last week has been a horribly emotional week for me and as of monday night i didn't think i wanted to be here and i knew i didn't want to praise god, but things change. my heart has found some light, there really is hope, and i'm truly created to praise him and that is why i'm here.

it just wasn't what i expected

i'm a routine person. i do everything the same every morning from getting ready to checking my email. this morning something was different, this morning my world changed. i had a message from a friends daughter telling me that her dad passed away last night.

so today my routine stopped. i feel sadness at a level that i haven't felt in a long time. ric was an amazing man and cared about young people so much that he dedicated his life to running a camp in iowa. some of you may or may not know but this is the same camp that i spoke at in june. i fell in love with the camp and with his family, and with the campers.

after camp i knew ric went into the hospital for reason i won't get into here and i even talked to him 2 weeks ago, but death. it was never a thought.

ric i miss you already. did you even know that you helped change who i am? i'll never be the same person, you made me laugh and cry at the same time. our conventions won't be the same for me anymore. i'll never forget you, never.

modern medicine

over 5 hours late my mom was finally taken into the operating room. we were initially told that her surgery was going to take double the amount of time the one she had 2 years ago. after only a hour and half i finally got the call that i've been waiting on since 10 am this morning. my dad said that she was out and that everything went great. she was in recovery and would be there for at least the next hour. i'm amazed that someone in their wisdom discovered means to heal our broken bodies.

my childhood friend also underwent a mastectomy today. what is crazy is that she is my age, but she has a husband and 2 small boys. she as well came out great. she was a little tired but doing well. unlike my mom she has a more unknown recovery but again medicine may have healed her today.

thank you jesus for modern medicine.