lectivo divina

this is the second time that i've done a lectivo divina exercise in the past week and both times i've meditated on different verses but the same phrase has come up both times and it should be apparent but sometimes it just isn't. "get up and go". what is god telling me? what have i forgotten to do, what have i ignored? what don't i get?

having recently heard a talk by david anderson about abraham, david talked about abraham being called to go to the land of cainan but that he stopped before he made it and stayed in the desert. so after this david posed a question: are you stuck or stopped because if you are just stuck then there is hope because you can become un-stuck.

so now my question is am i stuck and don't even know it? am i stopped and refuse to accept it? or am i simply on this journey to get me to that place god has called me to? twice in one week god has spoken "get up and go" but i'm not sure what it is going to take to actually do that.

contemplative youth ministry retreat

i'm sitting with about 150 youth workers/pastors in oak brook, il at a retreat with mark yaconelli. he asked everyone to take 30 minutes to meditate on 3 things:

• what is my cry for mercy?
• invitation to trust?
• gratitude

i didn't meditate on any of these (because i forgot my camera at the hotel so i went back to do that) but were back now and it is interesting to hear all that god spoke to these people. they are being vulnerable with themselves and each other. as someone shares what god spoke to them you can look around and see the affirmation as others shake their heads or echo their sentiments.

mark is taking us through a lectio divina exercise which is always interesting to go through with people you don't know. there seems to be some uncomfortableness with doing something outside of yourself.

my first trip to san diego

npc is almost over and vacation will be starting soon but it all seems to be going by so fast. this has been a great trip to san diego (my first time here) so far and i'm looking forward to experiencing more of its culture but first things are first. we still have 24 hours left of this convention and things just seem to be getting busier. we have about 1550 pastors here who all seem to be enjoying themselves so far. it is always interesting to see who comes to these types of events and what they'll do with their time while they're here. some go to every workshop and leave completely overwhelmed by information that they will either never use or have no idea to use what they just got and how to use it. or they don't go to anything in hopes of avoiding whatever it is that god is trying to tell them. and then there are those who come and hear speakers who change their lives and sometimes even their callings.

it is always interesting to watch pastors be served by others (most of them don't know how to do it). they come in excited about a new product or idea they heard about and want to talk about someone else who has used it. or they'll tell you about a product they've been using and encourage you to buy it and take it back to your church. regardless of the patterns and habits of these pastors they are fun people to be around who love the church and love god.

5 days and counting

i leave for california on friday and i don't feel prepared at all. i did manage to pack a good majority of my summer(ish) clothes but there are so many more things to do. i'm trying to get a tan (of course the fake way) so i'm not the palest mexican in all of california. but i've only gone 2 times since i got my membership since the first time i got a little red on the back side (i didn't want to risk burning and then peeling) waited 2 days and then got a little red on the front. i'm not sure if i'll be able to go back tomorrow or not.

i also really want to get in the habit of working out in the morning instead of waiting until 8 or 9 at night when the gym isn't as crowded as an after thanksgiving sale. but, instead i took at 2 hour nap this afternoon and now i'm watching desperate housewives and then grey's anatomy so i won't get enough sleep, won't want to get up in the morning, and therefore won't get my early morning workout.

oh yeah and i haven't done laundry in a week in a half so by the time that i actually do it i have 10 loads (okay not really) but more than i'll want to do the day before i leave.

just asking but....

are you corporate ghetto? not sure what that even mean? if you're curious check this blog out

i just wanted to make a post

ever since the fall i either haven't wanted to blog or have just been too lazy to do it, but in the last few weeks i really wanted to blog and i couldn't. i can blame it on my laziness but the reality is that i thought i forgot my password b/c i couldn't get into my blog anymore. since i'm sitting in my house tonight sick i thought what a better time to sit down and figure this thing out.

i tried every email address and possible user name i would have used in the past 10 years but nothing seemed to work. randomly i clicked on the user profile and noticed that i've moved from a 29 year old woman to a 31 year old man. it wasn't even that i was clued in then, it was when i began reading all of "my favorites" and suddenly i realized that i had become my brother and he had taken over my blog.

since we use the same computer i can see how this would happen. and after he used someone else's paypal (the former owner of my mac) account to buy my mom's christmas gift i knew this sounded like something he would do (and not even notice).

so i did what most people would, i hacked into my blog with his account information and deleted his blog. tomorrow or sunday i'm committed to showing him how to do this blog thing himself, but until then he is never allowed to be a 29 year old woman again!

tony --thanks for the laugh i love you!

saddness for my friends

in november i was able to meet sandy at the last nywc of the season. the first time i saw her someone was hugging her. i watched the interaction between sandy and this other person for a few moments and knew instantly she was a women whom people loved. at the end of the convention i was able to watch the ys staff that knew and loved her shower her with kind smiles, hugs, and hellos.

little did i know that sandy was fighting a battle that took her life last weekend. her funeral is tonight and many friends have made the trip from san diego to detroit for the funeral. knowing this group of people; i know that they love hard and have hearts that are hurting for both sandy's family and themselves. i'm so sorry that this is now part of their story but i'm so grateful for the times that they've all shared with her.

to my friends who are so sad by sandy's passing i hope to one day see the smiles on your faces that were there every time you were with her. blessing

tyler perry and his alter personality madea

i love tyler perry. if you don't know who he is maybe you've heard of diary of a mad black woman but if you haven't heard of that maybe you've seen in your local blockbuster madea's family reunion and all of the others.

well he came to grand rapids (which in of itself is a far stretch for our normally pretty light and dutch community). tyler is an amazing actor, writer, and follower of god. if you've never watched one of his plays i would recommend it. each one has a message and is sounded in truth about god. they are real and nearly everyone in the audience can relate on some level.

what i loved most was simply laughing for 2 1/2 hours straight. trying to figure out if my throat was sore because i laughed so loud for so long or if it was from the bruit cologne (if i can call it that) that the man next to me was wearing. regarless it is nearly midnight and i can't stop laughing yet. i keep thinking of all the great one-liners given tonight and will be waiting the best i can to see the next tyler perry production.

sometimes just being heard is enough

i met with denise vanek from mars hill today. i don't know what i expected but i knew from the first time that i met her that i liked her. i felt like i could trust her and that i would be safe.

for the last 2 years i've struggled with church. church as an institution, church as a building, and church as an unhappy place. last summer i even went so far as to leave the church (well i withdrew my membership) but i still went there and prayed that god would show me a church that would make me happy. in the year and a half since then no one from the church ever called, ever wrote, and possibly didn't even care. well that is what i thought at least until today.

i told denise my story, my concerns, and my questions. she didn't try to answer them but she did listen. she didn't offer any excuses but an apology. she gave me exactly what i needed. she gave me herself for the time that we were together. she gave me hope. she also gave me encouragement.

i can't assume that the questions are gone but the restlessness in my heart is somehow soothed.

i can't believe i can see again

i've been wearing glasses ever since the 2nd grade. but, as if that isn't bad enough for a kid i went into bi-focals in the 4th grade and had them ever sine. over the last year or so i've noticed that my glasses really haven't been working (or at least as well as i thought they should). so i decided to go this week and have my eyes checked and found out i don't even need bi-focals anymore.

now this was the most amazing news i had in a long time. then of course he gave me the bad news. while my reading vision was great for the first time in 20 years my distant vision basically sucks. the whole not being able to read street signs at night was finally making sense.

i of course was thrilled to have an excuse to get new glass and found these great red funky little things that are totally me. well i was able to pick them up today and love them. not only do they actually look okay on me i really can see. i drove all over just to look at street signs and then went back out once it was dark to see if they still did, and they do. i can't believe the modern miracle of glasses.

vacation with the kids

i left for vacation yesterday and drove the 8 hours it takes to get to western ny. it did seem like it's been that long since i've seen the kids but they had all grown soo much i couldn't believe it. i was grateful that they let me sleep in why they got ready for school. i'm going to make my rounds on monday to 3 different classes and go to each of their school parties for halloween.

i'm also very sad about news that we got this morning about my grandma. she had small heart attack earlier this week (they found a blood clot in the main artery of her heart) but it was all brought on by the mass they found in her lung. just this morning we found out that she does indeed have lung cancer and that it is bad (she is in stage 4). in about an hour or so they are going do surgery to drain the fluid from her lung and then to repair the hole in her from the drainage tube. we all realize it is a matter of time and the question is how will that time be spent...

a dinner full of laughs

thursday night was the crazy madness sale that pushes all of the store staff to their limits and we love it. and, pittsburgh was exactly what we thought it would be a slower trickle until critical concerns got out and then we had the rush we were waiting for. so after a very long night mindi, jeannie O, lilly, and i decided to have sushi for dinner.

now for me i've just recently met lilly, not spent a lot of time with jeannie (although i always love being with her) and mindi is very much my partner in crime so i knew this would be a great dinner with amazing women that i could learn more about. well it really was that and so much more. we laughed so hard and it really was fun to just be a girl and share that with these other amazing women who love jesus.

nywc #2 pittsburgh

i made it in yesterday morning after 2 very quick flights from gr to detroit and then detroit to pittsburgh. it isn't even 10 pm and i'm already back in my room (which is a record during convention)and feeling really great about the staff of volunteers and how the store looks right now. it felt really tight in sacramento so things as simple as more room has done wonders.

when i left sacramento i really felt like how could the staff of volunteers possibly live up to the staff in sac, but this team is amazing. i had hoped that wouldn't compare and i don't think that will be a problem. i have made contacts already with the volunteers that i will be working specifically with and i'm thrilled with the folks mindi and glenn are giving me. the thing about all of these volunteers that has blown me away is that a great majority of them travel to one of the three cities to volunteer and go to another just to attend with their staffs. i could be wrong but i that that alone is what makes this convention stand out against other youth ministry conventions.

the convention and store officially open tomorrow and we will again have our madness sale. i pray for our attendees, for our volunteers, for all of our speakers, and for the ys staff in general. each person here is working their tales off, not getting enough sleep, and still in love with serving.

be careful of what you ask for

this past spring i drove down to chicago and attended one of the ys core events and marko was the speaker. it is always a great time to hear marko teach but after this half day seminar i walked away and wanted to be a junior high boys youth leader. but since i'm a women that probably wouldn't work. now, i've had this thought since then but it was nothing i imagined would ever really happen.

that was until tonight. you see i was out shopping with one of my cousins tonight and then went to her house where 4 boys between 11-12 were and we decided to take them to the haunt (at great haunted house). for any of you who are junior high leaders (thank you)and no i don't think that what i did tonight can even compare, but man did i learn that god laughs at the things we ask for.

we stood outside for almost 2 hours waiting to get in and then found some friends (and yes we cut in the line only after 3 of the original 4 boys decided they really didn't want to go through the haunted house). and, even though we lost 3 of our boys we picked up another 4 (that we cut with) and they went through the maze with us. what i did learn is that boys scream just like girls, they really do like to pass a lot of gas in crowded areas and then blame each other, and i should stop asking god to make me a junior high boys leader.

i never thought i would say this...

i'm in michigan and love it. i finally made it home last night around 8:30 and it was cold and dark, but i was home.

for the last five years i've struggled with living here and even more so in the last two years since my parents moved struggled with not having a home. i don't know if it is b/c i'm single, b/c i don't have kids, or what but i have felt homeless but with a home. i've struggled with finding a church home and being empty. i've said time and time again how silent god was in my life. but, i was wrong.

it wasn't until i went on a spiritual retreat a few weeks ago that i realized that god wasn't silent in my life but was in the silence that i didn't let in my life and he was waiting. i was going to move out of my house this weekend to a different apartment and realized that i couldn't. i realized that this is my home or at least for today it is. god told me in that silence that "he is here, to stop fighting the church, to love the community that he has put me in, and that i have a home, a family, and that i'm loved".

it all came together last night on the plane when i watched a sunset from thousands of miles in the sky, with clouds all around me, with silence in my life. but, more than anything i knew when i finally made it home (and yes this is home) that people were going to be there waiting for me and were excited to have me back. people that prayed for me while i was gone, prayed for me to return saftely, but most importantly have been here in my life the entire time. i think like god my friends and family waited for me to be silent and just let them love me.

thank you...

my luck sucks...

so i really had thought about flying standby earlier today since i'm so ready to get home. but, the convention was going great so i stayed as late as possible. i left for the airport it took me just over an hour (which is great timing considering the traffic and rain). then i couldn't get checked in quickly, didn't think i would get through security (seriously i should know by now not to wear metal and that the tsa likes to search me) instead i wore metal like a mad woman. finally made it to my gate and had less than a half an hour before boarding.

until...

they came across the overhead and said my flight was going to be delayed. they were a bit vague and said it could be an hour or two late. normally this wouldn't frustrate me soo much but for the love of god why can't i just get on a plane and go home?

why...

catalyst is great but i get to go home tomorrow

well day one of catalyst is under our belts and we managed to giveaway over 5,000 tniv pocket bibles to the convention attendees. never in our wildest dreams did we think that we would be able to give them all away but if the right product you just never know. i heard comments like "is that the gender neutral bible, don't you have another color, or even i just want the niv" so you never know when someone just won't appreciate a gift. but, more than anything i heard "thank you soo much you have no idea what this gift means to me..."

i did have a great surprise waiting for me when i got to this hotel yesterday from aletha and megan. while i always have fun when i'm on the road and doing conventions i still miss home, work, and of course my friends. so, megan and aletha i'll see you both on monday and thanks so much for making my day yesterday.

one of the highlights of today was seeing soo many people from my home church New Covenant Free Methodist Church the part that was so great for me was not just seeing them but knowing what a role they played in my life. steve and tammy were there and i realized again had it not been for them taking time to love me when i was 15 i might not be the person i am today. and then seeing pastor dale and knowing that he was the person that baptized me and also played a huge role in my life was very real.

but, what i'm most excited about is that i get to go home tomorrow. as much as i love traveling, collecting frequent flyer miles, and sleeping on someone else's bed it will be great to get home and just breathe.

oh yes and if you have never heard donald miller or read any of his books i totally recommend it. i heard him today and was stunned by his realness.

the convention is almost over

today is monday and everyone is buzzing around waiting for the last general session to start. it has been a good convention (long) but good. i've heard so many stories from youth workers across the country this week that have been encouraging, saddening, and very real. my prayer for all of the attendees has been that they would leave hopeful, have something they didn't have before they got here, shared a bit of themselves with their peers, and most of all have been served by ys and all of their volunteers.

one of the most visible things that happened were the anti-gay, anti-gay marriage guys that decided to protest on the corner of the convention center and say they were with YS. it is always nice to spread a gospel full of hate. but like any rebellious teenager their youth workers aren't much different so our attendees started an anti-protest against the protesters. so i borrowed a video camera and started interviewing the people on the streets. it was a great experience and allowed me a bit of creativity.

well the general session is about to start and then we are on for the mad rush of tearing this place down and then i'm onto the next city.

pray for our volunteers, the ys staffer, and myself as we leave the convention and begin to decompress everything that has taken place over the last week.

the girls are moving

today two of the women i love most in the world are moving away from me (okay it is less than a mile but they are moving). i'm so excited for them today as a new adventure starts for both of them. jody bought a beautiful house even though a lot of things could have changed her mind at any point along the journey and i believe god will bless her because of that. what makes me sad is that i'm not there to be apart of it and to help.

i pray that today god blessings and affirmation are sent to them and that they know how much they have changed my life and how much i need them in it!

one life revolution

today i went through something like never before. one life revolution part of world vision set up an exhibit at the sacramento nywc. just from the outside of it you would think this is just another cool booth that is attractive and wants to bring people in. but, in reality it is much more than that it is a booth that brings awareness to an epidemic that most try to ignore. one life revolution is about hiv/aid in africa and how people are dying, being orphaned, being abused.

this booth is different than any other that i've ever seen and when i went to it i don't think that i was really ready for what i was about to encounter. there are three tracks that take you through a year of 3 different people and then you must face the hardest of them all. you are tested for aids and must wait in this make shift clinic (which is actually a real clinic in africa set up by world vision and wait) the boy who's shoes i was walking in (stephen) did not have hiv but the wait the not knowing was so real it was as if it was my life and my health in jeopardy.