What makes me angry....?

Recently I admitted I have an anger problem and what's bigger than my anger is that the majority of the time I feel justified in my anger. I can not admit that I am not and that my entire life I've put God's Greatness below my anger, my sorrow, my grief, my disappointment, and basically the rest of life. I've been wrong but I do believe that I can have justified anger and today that came out.

You see I found out one of our students felt like she had no hope or a future and took her life. This makes me angry because the enemy is coming in and destroying the lives of our young people with his lies. I am here to say that I'm angry and I refuse to sit back and watch it happen anymore. I am here to say that I will stand up and stand in the gap for those young people who are being lied to day in and day out. I am here to say that I will learn to listen with my eyes and not just my ears. I am here and no matter what the enemy tries to throw at us God's Greatness will not fall below anything again!

So yes I'm angry and I am going to do something about it!

the loss of a child

i left ferris 8 years ago. 8 years ago i moved away from some of the greatest friends i've ever had and that made huge impressions in my life and helped me understand me and who my God created me to be. over the weekend i found out that one of my friends and her husband lost a child to a drowning a 20 month old child. while i don't know great details i know they were in the process of moving, i mean within hours of driving away moving from florida to ohio and then it just happened. they became a family that is mourning the loss of one of their children.

i haven't seen these guys in years, i never even got to meet Zeke but Tanya was once a roommate. she has had this unshakable faith ever since i've known her. so now as i sit here i mourn the loss of her son with her, her husband, and all of those that love them and that love her kids. i know this family will make it, i know that heaven is a little bit better because Ezekiel is playing with Jesus, and i pray that the joy that has been lost in these past few days will one day be restored in the memories that have been left.

i love you Durants...

unexplainable faith

it's officially been 1 year since i was let go from the big Z and i'm doing remarkably well. at first i was filled with anger and even some hate regarding how it happened but that has all since left me. now i'm filled with joy, laughter, happiness, and an unexplainable faith that i didn't have before.

this last year was filled with the loss of a job, the purchase of my first house (which i still have), the birth and near loss of my most precious nephew Brendan, love gained, love lost, job offers, no job offers, and support from my friends and family. it has been a huge year for me and one that i don't take for granted. but i finally see that i don't get to see the end and that all of these situations are just pieces, just moments in my life story.

so as i sit and reflect on these past 12 months i just know that i'm not forgotten, i'm not alone, and that i will be okay...

Lil Man's 7th Birthday video

more intentional

this blog hasn't been very intentional but moving forward i would like to change that.

off to LA

well i'm off to LA after 8 weeks of trying to figure out how to make a bookstore work out there. everyone keeps asking me if i'm ready but i have to say i just don't feel like it. not yet!

although this morning while i was getting ready all i could think about was how just 2 1/2 months ago i was planning a trip to Puerto Rico for this very weekend. i had made the decision about 4 months ago that i wasn't going to uywi this year because i wanted to take a congratulations you finally graduated trip (i graduated last weekend) but God had other plans.

when the opportunity came up for me to take this job i knew i had to take it and that meant no trip to Puerto Rico and no fun drinks on the beach served by cute boys. so when i'm asked if i'm ready and i continue to say "NOT YET" i think underneath i'm brushing aside the fact that God brought me here. God will sustain me. God's timing is perfect. Got isn't saying "not yet" to me but "NOW!!!"

uywi 2008

well i've been working for the past 7 weeks for uywi getting them ready to host their very own store. i have mixed feelings about this convention on one hand i can't wait to see how God is going to show up and on the other hand i'm sad since i'll be working this year and not an attendee.

this is hands down the best convention any youth worker who cares for urban teens could go to. last year was the first time i attended and after years of working conventions for another youth ministry it was great to be an attendee and to be poured into. it's not too late to go they have a great day rate so if you're local you have to stop by. if you're not able to attend follow daily through the uywi blog.

if nothing else please pray for our attendees, our trainers, our main stage speaker, and all of us who are working the event. uywi is an amazing group of people and i'm both proud and privileged to be working along side of the this year.

he gives and takes away

a few weeks ago i was down in chicago for a RELOAD conference and it was there that i was caught up in a time of worship that impacted me by the very words we sang. i've always loved worship, and i've always loved having a time to offer back a little bit of what i feel like i receive.

there has been so much going on in my life that i've chosen to keep private lately that made worship really hard because i didn't want to give anything back this time. i've felt like my cries have not been heard, that my tears have been in vain, and that i was unloved.

but during this time we sang "he give and takes away...and still my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name..." it was at this moment that i knew i couldn't pick the good over the bad. in the midst of my storms i'm choosing to say Lord blessed by your name.

wow kanas just won

while i stopped caring about the game after state loss i couldn't help but hope that memphis would lose after beating state. well after a long game including overtime kanas came back like champions and won!!!

blessings

the last few weeks have been extremely hard both emotionally and physically but the one thing i knew i needed was the Lord. in the past this was the last place i would have turned to but i've felt so desperate that my only option was to go to Him. now i'm feeling much better about a lot of things but specifically on how God is teaching me something out of every little thing i hear and read. He is showing me that situation are temporary but He is everlasting. i know that this probably seems so simple but i'm praying that it means i might actually be getting it and getting Him.

one thing that is hard is i ran away from God in a really bad way when i was 20 and since then i haven't had these crazy spiritual highs that i used to when i was a teen. well i sit here almost 12 years later and wonder if i'll ever feel that again. or if i ever need to feel that spiritual high again. i know that i get inspired that when i share what the Lord has done i'm brought to tears, and i know that He is faithful. i'm beginning to think that i've allowed the western world to mold what being a christ follower was supposed to be.

the biggest thing i've learned is that i need to count my blessings and name them one by one and acknowledge that not one blessings is because of anything i've done. again this should have been a simple concept but it's taken me some time to get it so i have to thank Detrick Haddon and his new CD 7 Days

is risk ever worth it?

sometime i wonder if there is a value to risk and how do you decide if the risk is worth it. recently i took a major risk in life both emotionally and spiritually and as of today i don't know if it was worth it or not. my spirit felt broken into a million tiny pieces this week and if i'm honest so did my heart. the difference was i was so weak that i couldn't even go to God to pick them up. i'm grateful for family and a church that is filled with people who love me and refuse to see me give up. while many things about this situation have made my heart hurt i didn't give up and God is still God.

so as i reflect on risk and if it is ever worth it i have to say yes. if i didn't take this risk i don't know that i would have ever asked God what He was trying to teach me. i think this lessons was given to me time and time again but never asked the question. i have no idea how it will turn out, if my heart will be put back together, or if i'll one day regret taking the risk. but, as of right now i'm thankful, i'm confused, i'm hurt, i want to feel better, but mostly i know i'm blessed!

faith

i reacted to a few situations pretty quickly with my last post almost immediately regretted it but i can't bring myself to take it down. it's a reminder that i'm weak and that my faith is small. god has brought a great job opportunity my way and for at least the next 8 to 9 weeks i will be living my dream. god also brought a man into my life that i don't deserve but that loves me in spite of my weakness.

i used to also think that i was like job strong enough for god to allow trials to be thrown my way and because of my faith and love for him i would make it. i guess i realize more that i'm like peter. there are moments in life that i honestly believe i could walk on water but i look down and give up more often then looking towards him to save me. i've been on this journey for what seems like a long time and i'm not sure how much i've learned, but i know it's not over and i'm not ready to give up no matter how many times i look down...

be cautious

things are usually not what they appear to be...

looking for the will of God

i haven't written in quite awhile but so much has been going on. one of the things i really wanted to do this year was get further into the word and deepen my relationships with the good Lord. and while i've been working on that i've also doubted why so many things i've been praying about have remained unanswered. that is until recently.

in the last few weeks i've had two amazing interviews both of which i feel fairly positive they will offer me something. i've also met someone that is so amazing i question if he is real. i don't know what is going to happen with the job or the guy but i've realized that in my quest to get to know and go deeper with God these two things are changing me. they have pushed me to prayer more than ever and to continually seek to stay in the will of God.

si se puede~

i've been a republican for the better part of my adult life but i can say after eight years of living in a country with a republican leader i am voting democrat. in fact i'm voting for barack obama if he is nominated (i can't begin to image a ticket without him as the leader). he inspires me, he gives me hope for a future, and after watching this i see that i'm not alone...



watch it and see if you are inspired. i'm not asking you to agree with me but i am asking you to vote and be part of what should be the best and most freeing political system in the world.

sometimes when it's wrong it just feels right

i shouldn't feel this way but i could care less about the super bowl this year. i'm not a new england fan and i'm not a giants fan but i feel like if i didn't watch it i would lose my americaness or something. so then i had to pick a team to cheer for but ran into the problem of not caring. i'm a huge packers fan so i shouldn't cheer for the giants since they beat them but i just can't stand that the patriots have had a perfect season. so i've been rooting for the giants. the last 2 1/2 minutes have been stressful to say the least.

well with 2 seconds left the patriots turned the ball over on a 4th down and hence ruined their perfect season and i can't help but feel excited on the inside. i know it's wrong but it just feels so right...

connecting with old friends

a few months ago i received a random message on myspace from one of my childhood friends. i hadn't heard back from her until a few days ago and then tonight. i didn't realize how much i've missed her. she was one of my best friends from the time i could remember when i was little and then the man she eventually married was my best friend in high school. it was so much fun to hear from her and to see the pictures of their kids.

sometimes time passes and we simply lose touch with those we love and sometimes we just have to let go and never return to see those friendships again, but when those we love the most come back it's like time has never passed.

shay and jeff i've missed you both so much and thank god that we've reconnected!!!

where is god leading?

this last fall i had the opportunity to interview with a great church in the chicago area for a position of the lifetime but the timing wasn't right. i had just bought my house, brendan was just born, and i was about 4 classes from finishing school. well i'm in chicago today and realizing that it doesn't take that long to drive here so i started all of the what ifs...

i texted my friend at this church to say i was in town but only for a few hours (that story is for another post) and mentioned that life is good but i'm still looking for a job. come to find out this position still isn't filled. i have no idea what that means or if they would ever be interested in me again.

so my question is how do i know where god is leading me? life feels good in GR. i love seeing brendan throughout the week and kissing his little face all the time. but, could i still be a good aunt and sister in another state only 3 hours away? could i sell my house? could i live and survive with strange faces around me? i don't know but i want to be open to where god is leading...

a sign of hope...

i know first hand that god answers prayers in his time and in his will and this week god is showing me miracles. i blogged about how i question god and sometimes even get mad at him but at the end of each day i know he is sovereign and still god. well this week i've been blessed with an amazing opportunity for a 3 month job that would allow me to pay bills again on my own and put money in the bank. of course i'm still interviewing for this job but if i get it then it could change my world. but better than changing my world it has helped to change my attitude, it has given me renewed hope. i believe in tomorrow. then as if that wasn't enough i was able to get six months of one of my meds from my doctor for FREE. seriously it was free and six months worth of it, how does this even happen.

we are only required to have faith the size of a mustard seed and these last few weeks i know my faith has been small but i had it. i thanked god for his unfailing love and blessings.

time to be on my own

well i knew the time would come but i've fought back reality for weeks now, my parents are going home. at the end of this week it will be five months since i bought my very first house determined to live in it alone but i hate it. but for three of these months my parents have been with me here during the birth of brendan and now through the holidays but the hours are now limited. i take them to the airport tomorrow morning and most likely won't see them again until the end of april. i know that this doesn't seem like that long for most people but it's an eternity to me.

i'm finding solace in the fact that they've gotten pre-approved for a mortgage here in michigan and even found a house they like in coopersville but until everything is said and done they will still live down south.

my question is, is my faith still real if i question god why they aren't moving here now? is it okay to question god? is faith rooted more in the faith that you continue to go to god even when it hurts and you don't feel full?

update: if questioning god is okay , is it okay to be mad at him?

a new year and new changes

well the new year is already off to a roaring start and i'm still spinning about last year...

• celebrated 5 years with my company
• found out i was going to graduate from college finally
• bought a house
• lost my job
• had a nephew born very sick
• celebrated life

i don't share these things so that anyone feels bad for me but so that you can understand why my head is still spinning. but, this year is going to be different. things i'm looking forward to...

• finding a new job
• graduating from cornerstone
• starting my masters
• considering a major move in order to start my masters
• finding love
• committing myself to more biblical study
• letting go of past hurts, mistakes, and regrets...