Walking through the fog

2009-12-01T15:31:00.001-05:00

is feeling a bit better but over being sick. I have too much to do...

What makes me angry....?

2008-10-06T16:02:00.001-05:00

Recently I admitted I have an anger problem and what's bigger than my anger is that the majority of the time I feel justified in my anger. I can not admit that I am not and that my entire life I've put God's Greatness below my anger, my sorrow, my grief, my disappointment, and basically the rest of life. I've been wrong but I do believe that I can have justified anger and today that came out.

You see I found out one of our students felt like she had no hope or a future and took her life. This makes me angry because the enemy is coming in and destroying the lives of our young people with his lies. I am here to say that I'm angry and I refuse to sit back and watch it happen anymore. I am here to say that I will stand up and stand in the gap for those young people who are being lied to day in and day out. I am here to say that I will learn to listen with my eyes and not just my ears. I am here and no matter what the enemy tries to throw at us God's Greatness will not fall below anything again!

So yes I'm angry and I am going to do something about it!

the loss of a child

2008-09-02T15:08:00.002-05:00

i left ferris 8 years ago. 8 years ago i moved away from some of the greatest friends i've ever had and that made huge impressions in my life and helped me understand me and who my God created me to be. over the weekend i found out that one of my friends and her husband lost a child to a drowning a 20 month old child. while i don't know great details i know they were in the process of moving, i mean within hours of driving away moving from florida to ohio and then it just happened. they became a family that is mourning the loss of one of their children.

i haven't seen these guys in years, i never even got to meet Zeke but Tanya was once a roommate. she has had this unshakable faith ever since i've known her. so now as i sit here i mourn the loss of her son with her, her husband, and all of those that love them and that love her kids. i know this family will make it, i know that heaven is a little bit better because Ezekiel is playing with Jesus, and i pray that the joy that has been lost in these past few days will one day be restored in the memories that have been left.

i love you Durants...

unexplainable faith

2008-08-13T10:35:00.002-05:00

it's officially been 1 year since i was let go from the big Z and i'm doing remarkably well. at first i was filled with anger and even some hate regarding how it happened but that has all since left me. now i'm filled with joy, laughter, happiness, and an unexplainable faith that i didn't have before.

this last year was filled with the loss of a job, the purchase of my first house (which i still have), the birth and near loss of my most precious nephew Brendan, love gained, love lost, job offers, no job offers, and support from my friends and family. it has been a huge year for me and one that i don't take for granted. but i finally see that i don't get to see the end and that all of these situations are just pieces, just moments in my life story.

so as i sit and reflect on these past 12 months i just know that i'm not forgotten, i'm not alone, and that i will be okay...

Lil Man's 7th Birthday video

2008-08-11T15:37:00.000-05:00

more intentional

2008-06-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

this blog hasn't been very intentional but moving forward i would like to change that.

off to LA

2008-05-13T05:35:00.002-05:00

well i'm off to LA after 8 weeks of trying to figure out how to make a bookstore work out there. everyone keeps asking me if i'm ready but i have to say i just don't feel like it. not yet!

although this morning while i was getting ready all i could think about was how just 2 1/2 months ago i was planning a trip to Puerto Rico for this very weekend. i had made the decision about 4 months ago that i wasn't going to uywi this year because i wanted to take a congratulations you finally graduated trip (i graduated last weekend) but God had other plans.

when the opportunity came up for me to take this job i knew i had to take it and that meant no trip to Puerto Rico and no fun drinks on the beach served by cute boys. so when i'm asked if i'm ready and i continue to say "NOT YET" i think underneath i'm brushing aside the fact that God brought me here. God will sustain me. God's timing is perfect. Got isn't saying "not yet" to me but "NOW!!!"

uywi 2008

2008-05-08T21:16:00.002-05:00

well i've been working for the past 7 weeks for uywi getting them ready to host their very own store. i have mixed feelings about this convention on one hand i can't wait to see how God is going to show up and on the other hand i'm sad since i'll be working this year and not an attendee.

this is hands down the best convention any youth worker who cares for urban teens could go to. last year was the first time i attended and after years of working conventions for another youth ministry it was great to be an attendee and to be poured into. it's not too late to go they have a great day rate so if you're local you have to stop by. if you're not able to attend follow daily through the uywi blog.

if nothing else please pray for our attendees, our trainers, our main stage speaker, and all of us who are working the event. uywi is an amazing group of people and i'm both proud and privileged to be working along side of the this year.

he gives and takes away

2008-04-17T09:51:00.002-05:00

a few weeks ago i was down in chicago for a RELOAD conference and it was there that i was caught up in a time of worship that impacted me by the very words we sang. i've always loved worship, and i've always loved having a time to offer back a little bit of what i feel like i receive.

there has been so much going on in my life that i've chosen to keep private lately that made worship really hard because i didn't want to give anything back this time. i've felt like my cries have not been heard, that my tears have been in vain, and that i was unloved.

but during this time we sang "he give and takes away...and still my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name..." it was at this moment that i knew i couldn't pick the good over the bad. in the midst of my storms i'm choosing to say Lord blessed by your name.

wow kanas just won

2008-04-07T22:50:00.002-05:00

while i stopped caring about the game after state loss i couldn't help but hope that memphis would lose after beating state. well after a long game including overtime kanas came back like champions and won!!!

blessings

2008-04-06T18:21:00.002-05:00

the last few weeks have been extremely hard both emotionally and physically but the one thing i knew i needed was the Lord. in the past this was the last place i would have turned to but i've felt so desperate that my only option was to go to Him. now i'm feeling much better about a lot of things but specifically on how God is teaching me something out of every little thing i hear and read. He is showing me that situation are temporary but He is everlasting. i know that this probably seems so simple but i'm praying that it means i might actually be getting it and getting Him.

one thing that is hard is i ran away from God in a really bad way when i was 20 and since then i haven't had these crazy spiritual highs that i used to when i was a teen. well i sit here almost 12 years later and wonder if i'll ever feel that again. or if i ever need to feel that spiritual high again. i know that i get inspired that when i share what the Lord has done i'm brought to tears, and i know that He is faithful. i'm beginning to think that i've allowed the western world to mold what being a christ follower was supposed to be.

the biggest thing i've learned is that i need to count my blessings and name them one by one and acknowledge that not one blessings is because of anything i've done. again this should have been a simple concept but it's taken me some time to get it so i have to thank Detrick Haddon and his new CD 7 Days

is risk ever worth it?

2008-03-28T21:17:00.002-05:00

sometime i wonder if there is a value to risk and how do you decide if the risk is worth it. recently i took a major risk in life both emotionally and spiritually and as of today i don't know if it was worth it or not. my spirit felt broken into a million tiny pieces this week and if i'm honest so did my heart. the difference was i was so weak that i couldn't even go to God to pick them up. i'm grateful for family and a church that is filled with people who love me and refuse to see me give up. while many things about this situation have made my heart hurt i didn't give up and God is still God.

so as i reflect on risk and if it is ever worth it i have to say yes. if i didn't take this risk i don't know that i would have ever asked God what He was trying to teach me. i think this lessons was given to me time and time again but never asked the question. i have no idea how it will turn out, if my heart will be put back together, or if i'll one day regret taking the risk. but, as of right now i'm thankful, i'm confused, i'm hurt, i want to feel better, but mostly i know i'm blessed!

faith

2008-03-20T12:22:00.002-05:00

i reacted to a few situations pretty quickly with my last post almost immediately regretted it but i can't bring myself to take it down. it's a reminder that i'm weak and that my faith is small. god has brought a great job opportunity my way and for at least the next 8 to 9 weeks i will be living my dream. god also brought a man into my life that i don't deserve but that loves me in spite of my weakness.

i used to also think that i was like job strong enough for god to allow trials to be thrown my way and because of my faith and love for him i would make it. i guess i realize more that i'm like peter. there are moments in life that i honestly believe i could walk on water but i look down and give up more often then looking towards him to save me. i've been on this journey for what seems like a long time and i'm not sure how much i've learned, but i know it's not over and i'm not ready to give up no matter how many times i look down...

be cautious

2008-03-09T18:43:00.000-05:00

things are usually not what they appear to be...

looking for the will of God

2008-02-29T20:47:00.002-05:00

i haven't written in quite awhile but so much has been going on. one of the things i really wanted to do this year was get further into the word and deepen my relationships with the good Lord. and while i've been working on that i've also doubted why so many things i've been praying about have remained unanswered. that is until recently.

in the last few weeks i've had two amazing interviews both of which i feel fairly positive they will offer me something. i've also met someone that is so amazing i question if he is real. i don't know what is going to happen with the job or the guy but i've realized that in my quest to get to know and go deeper with God these two things are changing me. they have pushed me to prayer more than ever and to continually seek to stay in the will of God.

si se puede~

2008-02-04T19:24:00.000-05:00

i've been a republican for the better part of my adult life but i can say after eight years of living in a country with a republican leader i am voting democrat. in fact i'm voting for barack obama if he is nominated (i can't begin to image a ticket without him as the leader). he inspires me, he gives me hope for a future, and after watching this i see that i'm not alone...

watch it and see if you are inspired. i'm not asking you to agree with me but i am asking you to vote and be part of what should be the best and most freeing political system in the world.

sometimes when it's wrong it just feels right

2008-02-03T22:00:00.000-05:00

i shouldn't feel this way but i could care less about the super bowl this year. i'm not a new england fan and i'm not a giants fan but i feel like if i didn't watch it i would lose my americaness or something. so then i had to pick a team to cheer for but ran into the problem of not caring. i'm a huge packers fan so i shouldn't cheer for the giants since they beat them but i just can't stand that the patriots have had a perfect season. so i've been rooting for the giants. the last 2 1/2 minutes have been stressful to say the least.

well with 2 seconds left the patriots turned the ball over on a 4th down and hence ruined their perfect season and i can't help but feel excited on the inside. i know it's wrong but it just feels so right...

connecting with old friends

2008-01-29T22:30:00.000-05:00

a few months ago i received a random message on myspace from one of my childhood friends. i hadn't heard back from her until a few days ago and then tonight. i didn't realize how much i've missed her. she was one of my best friends from the time i could remember when i was little and then the man she eventually married was my best friend in high school. it was so much fun to hear from her and to see the pictures of their kids.

sometimes time passes and we simply lose touch with those we love and sometimes we just have to let go and never return to see those friendships again, but when those we love the most come back it's like time has never passed.

shay and jeff i've missed you both so much and thank god that we've reconnected!!!

where is god leading?

2008-01-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

this last fall i had the opportunity to interview with a great church in the chicago area for a position of the lifetime but the timing wasn't right. i had just bought my house, brendan was just born, and i was about 4 classes from finishing school. well i'm in chicago today and realizing that it doesn't take that long to drive here so i started all of the what ifs...

i texted my friend at this church to say i was in town but only for a few hours (that story is for another post) and mentioned that life is good but i'm still looking for a job. come to find out this position still isn't filled. i have no idea what that means or if they would ever be interested in me again.

so my question is how do i know where god is leading me? life feels good in GR. i love seeing brendan throughout the week and kissing his little face all the time. but, could i still be a good aunt and sister in another state only 3 hours away? could i sell my house? could i live and survive with strange faces around me? i don't know but i want to be open to where god is leading...

a sign of hope...

2008-01-15T22:13:00.000-05:00

i know first hand that god answers prayers in his time and in his will and this week god is showing me miracles. i blogged about how i question god and sometimes even get mad at him but at the end of each day i know he is sovereign and still god. well this week i've been blessed with an amazing opportunity for a 3 month job that would allow me to pay bills again on my own and put money in the bank. of course i'm still interviewing for this job but if i get it then it could change my world. but better than changing my world it has helped to change my attitude, it has given me renewed hope. i believe in tomorrow. then as if that wasn't enough i was able to get six months of one of my meds from my doctor for FREE. seriously it was free and six months worth of it, how does this even happen.

we are only required to have faith the size of a mustard seed and these last few weeks i know my faith has been small but i had it. i thanked god for his unfailing love and blessings.

time to be on my own

2008-01-08T23:48:00.000-05:00

well i knew the time would come but i've fought back reality for weeks now, my parents are going home. at the end of this week it will be five months since i bought my very first house determined to live in it alone but i hate it. but for three of these months my parents have been with me here during the birth of brendan and now through the holidays but the hours are now limited. i take them to the airport tomorrow morning and most likely won't see them again until the end of april. i know that this doesn't seem like that long for most people but it's an eternity to me.

i'm finding solace in the fact that they've gotten pre-approved for a mortgage here in michigan and even found a house they like in coopersville but until everything is said and done they will still live down south.

my question is, is my faith still real if i question god why they aren't moving here now? is it okay to question god? is faith rooted more in the faith that you continue to go to god even when it hurts and you don't feel full?

update: if questioning god is okay , is it okay to be mad at him?

a new year and new changes

2008-01-04T23:19:00.000-05:00

well the new year is already off to a roaring start and i'm still spinning about last year...

celebrated 5 years with my company
found out i was going to graduate from college finally
bought a house
lost my job
had a nephew born very sick
celebrated life

i don't share these things so that anyone feels bad for me but so that you can understand why my head is still spinning. but, this year is going to be different. things i'm looking forward to...

finding a new job
graduating from cornerstone
starting my masters
considering a major move in order to start my masters
finding love
committing myself to more biblical study
letting go of past hurts, mistakes, and regrets...

christmas in review

2007-12-26T08:27:00.000-05:00

this christmas was different for our family. first we have a new memeber of the family, tony and sue's little guy brendan cole who has stolen all of our hearts. never did we think that this is where we would be as a family three months ago after he was born.

it was also different for me because i didn't ask for anything, okay i said a pair of house shoes and flannel pj's from old navy (although i didn't get either). i'm not sure if it's because i haven't worked and i'm struggling so much in life and financially right now but i didn't want people to feel obligated to buy me anything this year. my family god bless them surprised me in ways that i can't explain. you see i love kirk franklin and he has a new cd out this year call "the fight of your life" and i heard him talking about how this year has just been hard on people. i also heard people talking about how it wasn't a great cd but i didn't care, his music inspires me and i got it and love it already.

brendan well actually tony and sue totally took me by surprise with a huge blow up of this picture brendan and i took a month or so ago for our family pictures. we took them for my mom but i never expected it and it has to be one of the best gifts i've ever been given. i love that little boy so much and i'm so honored that god picked me to be one of his aunts.

i was given so many other gifts all of which i didn't ask for but that mean so much to me and will help me out in my house i can't begin to go into them but suffice it to say my family is great. for the most part it was just a chill day of hanging out with the family, eating, and sleeping. i'm grateful to have them and i'm grateful for all that this season represents.

i've been praying for a christmas miracle in the form of a job and stability so for this next year i'm hoping for all new starts job, house, school, happiness....the list could go on forever.

i pray that wherever you are that you have been blessed by the gift of christ and family!

update on brendan

2007-09-25T21:13:00.000-05:00

well all couldn't be going better for brendan he is making such great progress there are almost no words. if i hadn't seen him and held him myself i'm not sure i could have believed it. he is just the sweetest most beautiful little boy in the world but of course i'm a little biased. but when you look at him he just looks like any other baby that was just born and it seems like he doesn't really fit in at the nicu. but, all of this wouldn't even be possible if it weren't for his great treatment from the hospital and their staff. it will definitely make it harder to not like u of m but i will at least give them props and cheer for them when they're not playing state of course.

brendan you are a miracle and everyone in your family couldn't be more proud that god choose us to be part of your family and be part of watching you grow up and get big.

i love you!

i can't hardly believe it's here

2007-09-24T04:54:00.000-05:00

since leaving zondervan i've been without a laptop. for the last three or four years i've had a company one so there was no need to have a personal one. about two or three years ago i made the big switch to mac at home so i've had a mac desktop which i love. but after a month and a half out of work and without a laptop to work anywhere but my office i made the plunge. as of last friday around 10:30 am my brand new macbook pro arrived in it's shiny black box. I LOVE IT!!!!

it's been a pain in the but to get some of files transferred over but i'm making it. it took 9 hours to get my music off my old computer but i waited and it happened and now i'll set. but, during this time of getting a new toy and looking at my old one i realized that i was hording my gifts. so after so prayer i've decided the best place for my mac desktop is with my brother. i think i stunned him when i said it was him but i know he'll appreciate it and will be able to do some of his photography and other stuff with it.

so goodbye old mac and hello macbook pro. he's to a long friendship!!!!!!

god's healing hand

2007-09-24T04:46:00.000-05:00

my nephew is now five days old and is doing very good. he has just amazed everyone around him including mommy, daddy, our entire family, and the staff at U of M. i'm extremely excited to go and see him tomorrow. I haven't seen him since friday and he's changed so much already. until you can meet him you just have to trust me that he is the cutest little thing. now i know i'm biased but he really is with all of his black curly hair you just want to hold him and kiss him all over. that will have to wait for now but after talking to brendan's mommy yesterday he's getting closer to being able to be held. i can't wait for that first time tony and sue can hold their son.

my brother has been through a lot in his life and so has sue and they continue to set an example of what walking by faith really looks like. if you've ever wondered how god looks here on earth they are two people to look at. i couldn't be more honored to be part of that family. i hope one day i'm proven to be as strong as them.

thank you for the prayers and keep them coming.

hardest day my family's lived through

2007-09-20T01:58:00.001-05:00

today my nephew was born into this world but he came with complications. after hours of labor and strong pushing the doctor decided my sister in-law needed a see section because the baby wasn't coming down. after waiting for what seemed like an eternity my dad came into the waiting room crying and unable to talk and said "he wasn't breathing and his heart wasn't beating and that baby we saw being rushed out of the delivery room and into the nicu."

as i sat there in stunned silence i'll i could think about was why. what we learned was brendan went without oxygen for five minutes or so and they had to perform cpr to get him really going. he peaked up pretty good but he's on a ventilator right now and will be for some time. that is when the gauntlet fell and the nicu doc told us that "sometime" in these types of cases babies will develop cerebral palsy and that brendan now runs this risk. he also went on to explain that u of m is one of the best in the country at a newer procedure that will lower the babies body temp and allow the brain to heal itself. brendan only met one of the four criteria to get into this program which is a good thing since that means that more isn't wrong with him.

so tonight or early this morning he was airlifted with a group of strangers to ann arbor where i know he'll receive the best care possible but it's still heart breaking. his daddy (my brother and hero) just picked my dad up for the drive down to be with his boy. the doctors seem to be happy with his progress as of now so we all have more hope.

i can't believe how much i love him already. sue did such a good job i've never been more proud of her in my life. together sue and tony have a story to tell about the goodness of god and all that he has brought them through and i believe that this is part of their store. and part of god's goodness. when you think about it please pray for brendan and for them. together our family will fight back what the devil is trying to do but god and god alone will carry us through.

i now proudly introduce you to brendan cole hinojosa
born on 9/19/2007
8:10 pm
8 lbs and 7 ounces
21.7 inches long

brendan cole hinojosa

2007-09-18T22:24:00.000-05:00

my sister in-law went into the hospital tonight to begin her induction. so if everything goes smoothly we should all meet the newest member of our family "brendan cole hinojosa". this is a child we have prayed endlessly for and i for one can't wait to meet him.

see ya soon brendan.

life change

2007-09-10T15:58:00.000-05:00

so much has happened since my last post. i did indeed buy a house and a little over one week after i closed i found out that i was losing my job. my job that was with a christian publisher, my job that i dreaded nearly 40 hours a week for almost six years, my job that was with a company that i've questioned their integrity for almost two years. it was gone a week later and for the last month i've tried to fill my time with everything possible.

what i wasn't expecting was the fact that i wouldn't be overly bitter, that i wouldn't miss it at all (although i miss the people terribly), and that god was using this to move me forward.

for the first time in years i feel like i have possibilities and hope. i've been interviewing for a ministry position with a very large church in the chicago area over the last few weeks. this is what i've prayed for although i'm not sure about the timing of it all (seriously i just paid my first mortgage payment), but it's an honor that they came to me and think i'm worth talking to. i've said for years that i want to be in ministry but believe had i not lost my job in the way that i did i would have never left.

life is good, i'm living life, and seeking god!

i bought a house

2007-07-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

i bought a house!!!

our last night of youth ministry for the school year

2007-05-07T12:18:00.000-05:00

last night we had our final youth ministry night of the school year and it ended similar to how it started with lots of giggles, boys hanging out in the back talking through and over everyone else, and anticipation of what happens next.

i've survived my first year with the madison youth group and i have to admit that there were times i didn't think i could make it but i did and i praise god because of it. i wasn't super close to many of the seniors (well at least not as much as some of the other students) but it was very emotional to say goodbye. for some of them they'll stay around gr for others they'll start working, and some will be going away from college but i realized that they have all played a part in what god's done in me over these last nine months. i've seem some of these guys grow and stumble all in one week but they've all gotten back up.

to all of you i pray god's blessings upon you, i pray that you will never feel so far that you don't come back, i pray that all of the hope, love, disappointment, joy, forgiveness, and regret that you may encounter will make you stronger, but mostly i pray that you will stand strong that you will know who you are and stand for it, and that you will come back and share your stories when the time is right.

life hasn't stopped

2007-04-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

it's been 3 days since I got the bad news from my friend and the shock still seems as fresh as it was then. maybe i expect to much and it still should be fresh but i just look around and realize that nothing else has had to stop. the mom had to redo all of her financial papers, the kids had to go to school, life continued. doesn't having a spouse walk out on you constitute a life pause?

my brother and his wife found out on monday that they're having a boy. it was such an exciting moment to get that call and her my brother say "i'm going to have a son" and you're going to have nephew".

life didn't stop.

my mom left after a glorious visit. life didn't stop

now i'm sitting here and wish i could make it all stop even if it was just for a few minutes. even more i wish we could go back and relive and redo those moments where in the midst of joy, sorrow, and regret life didn't stop.

why would you?

2007-04-22T22:13:00.000-05:00

i got one of those calls tonight from a close family friend who told me that her dad packed up and moved to florida with the woman he's been having an affair with. i've known about the affair for a few months but i thought they were working things out???

how could you leave?

what are we supposed to say to your kids now?

who are you to think you have the power to destroy them, to destroy us?

if you ever read this i hope you know we'll make it without you, we'll be stronger because of what you've done.

i hope you get help. i hope you know god hasn't turned from you. i hope one day you come back and reconcile yourself to your family. i hope you remember you have a family.

where u at conference

2007-04-22T21:54:00.000-05:00

so this weekend was the "where u at" urban conference hosted by youth unlimited a great organization here in gr that serves the local church through events and training. anyway we had over 200 students attend and it was one of the best ministry experiences of my life. this was my first urban youth event and i couldn't believe how god showed up in these students lives. for so many of them there god showed up and showed out. the preaching was ridiculous not to mention the worship. one thing that just left me speechless was the student leaders that took charge and basically ran the event with a little help from their leaders.

i had the opportunity to speak to about 100 or so girls about sex and the consequences of sex outside marriage. i don't know if it will make a difference in all of their lives but i know that god spoke through me and used all that was left in me to speak to them.

but one of the highlights for me came saturday during lunch. you see at this event we played hype music and played it loud and at some point kirk franklin's "stomp" came on and we were dancing in our seats and i told one of my students that we need to do the hustle to which she said "you can't do the hustle in here". if you know me you know i don't back down so i got up when to the middle of the cafeteria (this was a huge open space) and started the hustle with another leader and by the end we had well over 100 students participating in it. and if that wasn't good enough they played it again this morning so i got up and started it again and this time we even got our preacher from the general session to do it with us!

an exciting yet strange night

2007-04-05T21:44:00.000-05:00

tonight a group of 20 or so women got together to have dinner an small bridal shower for one of my best friends. we went to san chez and had a fantastic dinner a lot of great conversation and catching up with friends i haven't seen in a long time.

it wasn't until after the party that my night became a little stranger than normal. i had to run to the store to pick up my cousin's baby shower gift and when i was checking out my brother called and said "did you order a pizza?". now i'm thinking why would i order a pizza if i wasn't at home and just had this fantastic dinner, so i said no and that it must be a mistake. that is when he said "the pizza guy said it was for jamie and that it was already paid for". at this point i'm totally freaking out and really don't want to go home in case my crazy pizza stalker is waiting for me. i even went so far to say don't eat the pizza we don't know who it came from.

then on the drive home i felt like i would lose my mind trying to figure out who sent it so i started calling people. then it hit me there is this guy that i've dated on and off but, we really haven't gone out in six months or more but we've been talking again. so i called him and sure enough it was him. he said that he thought i would enjoy the pizza and just wanted me to have it.

how sweet is that? this isn't even the first time he's done that, he's left breakfast on my front porch early in the morning as i'm leaving for work. he is such a good guy and i really need to pray about and see if he is someone that i should date again. we didn't break up or anything because of anything bad but, because i freak out when things look like they are getting serious. crazy thing is that is exactly what i want.

god protect my family

2007-02-26T22:07:00.000-05:00

the lord is my shepherd, i lack nothing.
he makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
he guides me along the right paths
for his name's sake
even though i walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

you prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
surely your goodness and love will
follow me
all the days of my life,
and i will dwell in the house of the lord
forever.

my last night at npc

2007-02-09T23:20:00.000-05:00

it's been a long week and i'm on day 10 but the bright side is that i'll be leaving in 2 days. i'm so excited to finally be going home and to see tony, sue, and all the kids. i miss my church and while i love being here i just haven't connected to the convention like i did last year so i'm feeling the loss of church over these last two weeks.

it was a lot of fun to have my pastor and the teaching staff from madison hear and sharing in on this experience. there is something about serving pastors that just makes everything seem worth the long hours and sleepless nights. we've had so many people come through to just thank us (all of the z staff and volunteers) for all of our work and for making them feel welcomed.

we did something very new this year and added a digital cafe where our attendees could just relax, listen to some music, and be alone. i wasn't sure how things would work but we were all pleased when it was filled daily and became a gathering place.

it will be hard to leave the warm weather and friends i have here but i'm ready. cheers to another great npc.

npc update

2007-02-07T19:44:00.000-05:00

well i've been in san diego for a week now and i'm just finally getting a chance to sit down and catch my breath. wednesday i got here and things were a little rough for me, thursday wasn't much better but i made it through it. friday night i got to spend with the focklers (my california family).

saturday is when i thought the world was falling. somewhere around noon i got a call that grand rapids was under a blizzard and our team wasn't able to make it out (well at least not all of them). the great news is that everyone made it out here some late but made it safe. thank you jesus. sunday started about 2 hours later than we had hoped it would but we worked hard and worked together and got the job done. we even convinced our hotel staff to bring a tv to us so we could watch the super bowl. sorry bears.

monday was a long day and our team worked diligently to get all of our tasks done. i don't think everyone thought we could pull it off but we did and everything looks great. i heard from a few of our leadership folks that they thought the store looked better than it ever has. that doesn't have anything to do about me but all about our volunteers and staff memebers. yesterday was our first official day and today is our first full day. things are busy but pastors are being served. it is so nice to see familiar faces and catch up their life's happenings over the last year.

please pray for us during the last 4 days. we are excited to see what is going to happen and how god is going to move. i miss all of you.

misguided priorities

2007-02-01T18:50:00.000-05:00

I hate when I realize how I’ve failed god, and yes that is strong language but it’s true. But at the same time I love the fact that I’ve finally recognized it. I’ve been trying to find my joy my happiness in things that without a doubt were wrong. For instance when something goes wrong at work I’m instantly sad and depressed like I’ve failed at life and assume that it means I’m not good that I don’t know what I’m doing (okay that part may be a little true sometimes). But what isn’t true is my job will never make me happy or at least it can’t be the source of my happiness. Neither can my friends or my family because just like my job I’m left disappointed at some point in our journey.

Last night was one of those moments that I realized my happiness has been misguided for years. It is such a freeing place to be and I can’t help but smile and enjoy the lesson I finally learned. Do I think it will be easy? No. But at least now I have the foundation to come back to.

I heard someone say once that when she started looking for her joy in her husband and not her heavenly father she knew that their relationship was in trouble. So for right now I’m going to practice finding joy in him that created me and finds joy in me learning from Him.

Shalom

good and the bad

2007-01-20T04:36:00.000-05:00

it's been so long since i've posted i feel as if i almost forgot how to. well here it goes...

the last week has literally been one of the most stressful i've ever had. my brother and his wife of 7 months found out they were expecting their first child on new years day. this news alone should have set my heart on fire, but it didn't, well not right away. as days passed by i began getting excited more and more. you see the 3 of us live is a 3 story historic house and their apartment is below mine so i knew i would get to play a huge part in the baby's life.

but then it happened, last friday i came home from work to find out that sue started spotting and continued spotting for the next 2 days. the doctors weren't totally alarmed but we were and wanted answers now. this week she had here blood drawn twice and got back okay news some even called it good news but not great. then yesterday she and tony went to the doctors and had their first ultrasound and got the great news we prayed for. sue was 6 weeks and 5 day yesterday and the baby had a very strong 116 heart rate (which is perfect for how far along she is). but when they called to tell me the news i cried like a baby.

since friday i prayed faithfully that this baby was perfect, that it was growing, and that it would be part of our family in another 8 months or so. but yesterday i was listening to a song that said "He know my name, He knows my every thought, He sees each tear i cry"...then goes on to say..."I was fearfully and wonderfully made"...which i believe with every piece of my person. but yesterday i began praying out of fear, i prayed out of doubt, and i believed that maybe our prayers were not enough.

then i thought but if Psalm 139 is correct then every day is already accounted for with this child so do my prayers even need to happen. i questioned if we even needed the hundred's of people i petitioned to pray alongside of us even need to pray for this child. but it it struck me, my prayers, our prayers for this baby were counted before our own conceptions as well. one of the reasons that god made me was to come upon this week and pray feverishly that against all odd this baby "our new baby" will continue to bring joy to our lives.

thank you Jesus.

my last nywc for 2006

2006-11-18T16:04:00.000-05:00

i'm in cincinnati at the national youth workers convention but this is the last one i'm attending this year. i'm not sure if i've enjoyed this year more because i'm back in ministry or at least more purposeful about ministry but whatever the reason i've devouring the information being presented.

2 weeks ago i heard shane claiborne for the first time and cried for 3 hours while i simply tried to unpack his message and life. shane lives and works at the simple way in north Philadelphia. he talked about what he learned from mother theresa, from the homeless, the poor, the broken, and the least. i realized for maybe the first time that there has to be more to life than all of this. yeah i've gotten mad at our society, our value, and so many other things i don't have time to write them but i've been a pacifist instead of an activist. so for the last 2 weeks i've been contemplating all that i've taken in and what does it mean for me now.

now here i've listened to donald miller last night and brenda salter mcneil today and both just blew me away. i've only heard donald a few times but it just seems like he gets life. he talked about how the church used to be in a cross and that today our society is in malls or entertainment facilities. don't get me wrong these work but i would question if something is lost when we lose that cross. i can't remember the last time that i set in a pew or picked up a hymnal. why? i guess i'm trying to say that i miss it.

and if donald's all to close to home message wasn't enough brenda set it off this morning with your talk about "who are you?" and who are our students. she made a comment that she purposed that the highest act of worship is to become who god says you are. wow. i can't express enough how many times i question who i am, so if brenda's theory is accurate then i'm doing exactly what saddens god and not worship him at all in those moments. but the thing that i resonated with the most is that when you are looking for god (i would add even looking for yourself) and don't see him then look again.

our culture today

2006-10-07T21:01:00.000-05:00

until recently i've not been purposeful about understanding what the culture around me is doing, about how the culture has shaped who i have become, and how it will shape my future and the lives of the students i work with. i'm not sure why this has never been a hot point for me but it hasn't.

in the last week and a half we've seen 6 kids shot to death in their schools, 2 grown men killing kids and then killing themselves, 1 principle killed and a freshman being charge with his murder. so i guess if i'm willing to deal with it or not culture is shape us.

even the ny times is talking about how our kids are losing their faith, well if i want to be fair to the paper they said our kids are abandoning their faith. what is that supposed to mean? do i have a role in not letting this happen?

i don't want to say this doesn't scare me, because it does but i refuse to life in the fear that the students of today won't love jesus tomorrow. i can't live in that fear and it won't do me any good if i did. i come to events like nywc and realize that there is hope and that no amount of media will ever be able to capture the essence of who god is and what he is doing in the lives of his chosen.

the reality that i live in is i love students. i love being with them and being a constant in their lives and when i come to an nywc i see thousands of people who also love student and love them even more than i do. so i do have hope.

understanding culture and not being blind to what is going on around me is just a necessary, but i have hope.

nywc prayer walk

2006-10-06T09:49:00.000-05:00

there are so many things that happen behind the curtain that most people don't know about to make nywc happen. this morning is one of my favorite moments of pre-convention when we have our prayer walk. this a time when all of the staff and volunteers go around to the labyrinth, the prayer chapel, headquarters, main stage, the exhibit hall, and the bookstore and pray for all of the attendee and all of us working. to someone who doesn't come to this type of event it might not seem like a big deal. but coming into a room and blessing it and making sure that it is a safe and holy place that healthy and broken people can come together is more beautiful than i can explain.

so before life begins moving at a pace faster then our souls handle i'm going to take some time to pray, to soak in all that god will do here, and to slow down even if it is for 5 minutes.

nywc austin

2006-10-05T14:34:00.000-05:00

well it is that time of the year again and the national youth workers convention are in full gear. i'm in austin right now and we are trying to get all of the last minute details finished before the major rush starts. we should have 2,500 hundred or so youth workers here.

this year is going to be different for me. i'm hoping to attend more seminars, more general sessions, and have more meaningful conversations with youth workers in the trenches. but the big difference for me is that i'm back in ym as well. i've taken the last couple of years off and i just couldn't do it anymore.

i hope to blog regularly about the highlights of the convention during the week so stay tuned for more dialog and a lot of photos.

peace

how could this happen...

2006-09-19T20:53:00.001-05:00

she didn't ask for it,
why did she have to black out,
and they were supposed to be her friends,
i want to hate them for her,
i want to go to the police for her,
why her?

why does she have a drinking problem,
will she ever feel normal again,
will she ever feel safe?

you don't have the right to her,
god save her,
god give her strength,
god heal her

do you even hear her cries,
do you see her in her in bed at night,
do you forgive her?

give us the strength to stand by her,
give her the strength to let us in,
why?
how?
bless her

fear

2006-08-10T13:06:00.000-05:00

could it really happen again? since i'm out on the west coast and attending a convention it was pretty late before i got back to my room last night and at this point the news had already broken about the attempted terrorist attacks. so last night i went to bed in fear of what the morning would bring. would our country actually have to live out another 9/11? would we as a nation be too scared to fly? would we actually come together as people?

but then it hit me. i actually did fly on the 1st anniversary of 9/11 so i wasn't scared anymore or at least i didn't think i was. but why are we americans so special the reality is the rest of the world is suffering under these attacks daily. i'm sorry for taking the world for granted. i'm sorry for not getting on my knees and praying when the rest of the worlds breaking news comes across my screen.

today i thank god for allowing these terrorist to be captures and pray to god for mercy for rest of the world that are not allowed the privileges that those of us in the america are.

dcla

2006-08-09T23:02:00.000-05:00

tonight is the second night of dcla and we have about 5,000 students in the big room. the big room is a gathering where the students are going through the book of john in the spoken word, rap, drama, singing, ect and it was beautiful to hear and watch them. their are a number of artist, authors, and speakers that are doing the main stage and tonight i felt like i was in church and the preacher was preaching. (and i along with the majority loved it)

i'm so blessed and honored to be connected with a company that cares this much about kids lives, about loving them without condition, about excepting them with all of their flaws, and being real with them.

it's been a lot of years since i've been at an event this big that is for students and the last 2 days have felt like a time of renewal of purpose. i am meant to do what i do, i am designed to love kids, i was created to follow him.

the last week has been a horribly emotional week for me and as of monday night i didn't think i wanted to be here and i knew i didn't want to praise god, but things change. my heart has found some light, there really is hope, and i'm truly created to praise him and that is why i'm here.

it just wasn't what i expected

2006-08-03T09:25:00.000-05:00

i'm a routine person. i do everything the same every morning from getting ready to checking my email. this morning something was different, this morning my world changed. i had a message from a friends daughter telling me that her dad passed away last night.

so today my routine stopped. i feel sadness at a level that i haven't felt in a long time. ric was an amazing man and cared about young people so much that he dedicated his life to running a camp in iowa. some of you may or may not know but this is the same camp that i spoke at in june. i fell in love with the camp and with his family, and with the campers.

after camp i knew ric went into the hospital for reason i won't get into here and i even talked to him 2 weeks ago, but death. it was never a thought.

ric i miss you already. did you even know that you helped change who i am? i'll never be the same person, you made me laugh and cry at the same time. our conventions won't be the same for me anymore. i'll never forget you, never.

modern medicine

2006-07-31T18:40:00.000-05:00

over 5 hours late my mom was finally taken into the operating room. we were initially told that her surgery was going to take double the amount of time the one she had 2 years ago. after only a hour and half i finally got the call that i've been waiting on since 10 am this morning. my dad said that she was out and that everything went great. she was in recovery and would be there for at least the next hour. i'm amazed that someone in their wisdom discovered means to heal our broken bodies.

my childhood friend also underwent a mastectomy today. what is crazy is that she is my age, but she has a husband and 2 small boys. she as well came out great. she was a little tired but doing well. unlike my mom she has a more unknown recovery but again medicine may have healed her today.

thank you jesus for modern medicine.

my mom

2006-07-30T19:29:00.000-05:00

tomorrow my mom goes back in for surgery so i'm praying that the doctors will "fix" her and that she can live the life that she desires. i also don't get to go down there so i'm sitting in michigan waiting, praying, and trusting god will not leave here.

today she told me that she never thought she would see the day that i would admit to being like her. but what she doesn't know is that there hasn't been many days in my adult life that i would want to be like anyone else. she's great and she's my mom!

why can't i just be there?

2006-07-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

i love my mom and feel this need to take care of her when she's down. i knew she need to have another back surgery for about a month but today she called and said it was going to be on the 31st and not the 31st of august the 31st in 4 days.

i'm sad cuz i can't be with her

i'm sad cuz my mom is in pain

i'm sad cuz sometimes the only way to show her how great my love is, is to just be with her

mom i love you

if you knew would it change anything?

2006-07-27T10:26:00.000-05:00

i'm over weight, out of shape, doing something about it, and it hurts. i don't know how many times i've heard something, anything about how the more weight you gain the harder it is to lose or the more you weigh the great health risk you have. i even watched my grand parents lose their life in part due to their weight and health issue. so you would think that i would be smarter by now right?

the fact is that i really haven't worked out seriously in over 2 years. 2 years ago i lost 30lbs and was running 6 days a week, but then i broke my leg and gave out hope on ever getting serious again. well last night i had the most intense workout i've had in over 12 years or more and i feel it today.

my question is, if i would have realized 10 years ago how much work it would be, hard sore i would be, and the time commitment to work out and watch what i eat would i have changed anything?

there are so many things in life i wish i could re-do, some many times i've failed both myself and god and knew better. so would i have changed anything? maybe, possibly, but probably not. that is where my need to serve flesh shows up and the grace of god reveals its self. maybe i could have made different decisions or choices but my character would be different, i might not have grown, and i might still be shallow. i'm glad i don't do it right the first time most of the time. i'm glad that even today i get to learn regardless of what i know.

i could sleep for a week

2006-07-26T09:49:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure why but lately i feel like i could sleep for a week. yeah i had my niece and nephews for 5 days but for the most part we all slept in. it could be in part because i did have to get up an hour earlier for work to make sure they were ready and then take them to a babysitter, but i don't think it is that either.

is it because i'm getting old? okay older. ever since i went on vacation i haven't been able to catch up but i did rest while i was away so what is it? when i was a kid i was the one that got up at 5 am just so i could be with my dad.

most of my life i've been told how alike the 2 of us are. he is an early riser i was a an early riser, he likes sports i like sports, and it went on and on, but something changed for me. i don't think it is my diet because i'm finally eating pretty healthy and smaller portions i even joined the gym and actually going to that. so what is it?

the last few weeks i've taken advantage of the michigan weather and headed to the beach for a day out. i've read, i've swan, i've enjoyed the sun and again this weekend i plan the same thing except i keep thinking maybe i should stay home and sleep. i'm i alone here or does anyone else just feel like you can't catch up? does anyone else ever skip the beach for the bed?

living as a bi-racial person

2006-07-16T19:47:00.000-05:00

i have had so many conversations about the color of my skin, my eyes, and the parents that i've come from and still don't know what it means to be bi-racial. i always feel like i end up somehow defending who i am and why i'm proud of that. i mean i always tell people that i'm mexican and well i am but i don't always say that i'm half white as well. why?

i think that part of it is that i don't have to explain the white part but it does make up half of me and comes from one of my best friends, my mom. she is strong, independent, intelligent, puts up with every bit of crap i've ever given, and loves unconditionally. but then there is this part of me that is different the part of me that came from my dad and from my grandparents that gives my brown skin, thick brown hair, and a passion to fight for other mexican's. obviously i know that i couldn't be me without the other but why do i always sway one way?

today for instance someone at the Y made a comment about how i was so incredibly tan (and yes i just came back from palm springs where i only laid out 3 times and i did go to the beach yesterday so i have more color than just 3 weeks ago) and that i must be laying out at the beach every day. i could have just taken this from her smiled and walked away, but instead i said "well i am 1/2 mexican". so again i have this obvious defense about me, but why?

maybe it is my need to be different or to not fit the mold, but i just can't shake the feeling that is has to be more than that. once i cut my hair off people would ask me if i was 1/2 black and white, or other mexicans would ask me why i had mexican skin and white people eyes. so for me i have always had to explain who i was and until now it has always been about my race.

on the other hand i have had people say well you don't look mexican (considering i live in michigan during the winter my skin is lighter, america for the record that is just how it works) but what they don't realize is that regardless of what they think i look like i still am mexican. or i've had people say "i'm colored blind so i don't even see your color" okay if you are anyone who isn't white you have probably heard this and hate it as much as i do. if you are someone who has ever said this you have officially become an extremely ignorant person. if you don't see our color then you are blind "not color blind", i'm not ashamed of the color of my skin so please don't act like it is a bad thing.

i don't have the answers to the whole bi-racial issues, but i can say that i learn more everyday, i'm proud of both of my parents for loving each other regardless of what their families said, and i think that in the book of revelation talks about all tribes and tongues will come together, it will finally understand how and why god cared enough to make us different!

the end of my two weeks offs

2006-07-09T21:38:00.000-05:00

i've been back from la for 2 days and i'm getting ready to head back to the office tomorrow. i can't believe how fast these last two weeks have gone by. i spent nearly a week in iowa and the last week in la visiting with family and enjoying the hottest weather i've ever experienced. (total side note, if anyone thinks visiting palm springs in july is a good idea they are full of it)

during this last week i split my time between palm springs and la and palm springs was 110 just about every day. it was so hot that the pool at our condo was enjoyable. well not until the last night when we decided to be as stupid as possible with our pool toys and i nearly got a concussion on a raft. yes, i said it was stupid.

anyway, we had a red eye flight so we were in lax at 10 pm on thursday night and at 2 am while sitting on the plane for over 2 hours we were told our flight was canceled due to an electronic problem. my problem with this wasn't that the plane couldn't (and shouldn't fly with me on it) but that they took 2 hours to decided that. since there were 8 of us flying together we decided to stay at the airport until at least 4 am until united opened back up so we could check in our luggage. finally at 5 am we made it to our hotel and i got 3 hours of sleep before grabbing a quick bite and heading back to lax. after almost 24 hours i finally made it back to grand rapids and was thrilled to see my family again.

i guess you don't really know how much you love and depend on them until you are gone from them. i'm really not used to not seeing my brother and sister for 2 weeks (considering that we all live in the same house) and it was nice to have a meal, catch up on life, and enjoy being together again.

but, being back also means that it is over and tomorrow i get up and go back to work. having been off for 2 weeks i hope to have something more to offer the office that i didn't when i left.

3rd day of camp and the injuries have begun

2006-06-28T14:35:00.000-05:00

i only have 1 day left here only 1 talk left so i'm filled with both sadness and joy. i didn't think i would connect with these kids like i have. okay seriously who am i kidding i love to connect with people but it is always hard to say goodbye. i've heard some hard stories, and i'm not sure if it was the story or not but i even had a dream about becoming a foster parent to one of the girls. on monday i had a girl tell me that if she stopped screwing up she would go back to her mom, and if he went back to her mom she would get beat up again. what am i supposed to say to that?

well i talked this morning about sacrifice and what it actually means. i talked about moses, abraham, and the widow at the well and what they gave up out of their faith in god. then i showed the kickball (nooma) and the students were so open and really heard what rob was talking about. i wish i had a another week with these kids to really get to a place where they feel completely safe and willing to be fully here.

last night we played a great game in the dark out in the woods. i decided to be by the fire and take some pictures of the kids being cleansed so i'll post some of those here. i'll also post some of the great ones from today's game. but, while all of these games have taken place we have had to take 2 people to the hospital (1 last night for a bruised sternum and 1 today for a possible broken foot). mom and dad if you are reading this camp just isn't as safe as it used to be :)

senior high camp

2006-06-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

well today is day 2 of camp and it has been some ride so far. it started out with me getting food poison on sat. evening (yes tony it was from chicken) so i wasn't feeling great for that 7:30 am flight sunday morning. i got here to iowa a few hours later and kinda jumped right in.

i got to meet the students late sunday. most of them have been great, a few of them have that young teenage boy smell that well only young teenage boys get. i have realized what a humbling experience this is for me. i'm not sure what god sees in me or why he is allowing me to speak to 80 students but he is.

i think this is the first time that it has really sunk in how important it is to listen to the voice of god b/c it's not just me this week. so far i've shown lump (it is a nooma video), big mamma's house, i'm going to show kickball (another nooma) tomorrow and pay it forward on thursday.

i've been told "wow that was good stuff", "i like that you don't talk forever", and "seriously tell if it hurt to get your nose pierced". as i've been praying for this week and these students i've tried to focus on reaching 1 student. i know it doens't seem like much but i figured i had to start somewhere.

i hope to post more about the week later tonight or tomorrow with pictures, but i wanted to at least get something up.

to all my girls at Z i say wat' up! seriously i miss you guys and the family and i'm more grateful for your prayers than you will ever know. blessings.

dependance on god

2006-06-20T19:58:00.000-05:00

4 months ago i was given this amazing opportunity to speak at a camp for senior high students. while i've been in youth ministry a long time i haven't traveled to speak to young people, much less kids that i've never met. regardless i said yes and have been praying about what i share ever since.

* i leave in 5 days and still haven't finished my messages or handouts and i'm not quite sure what that means.
* does it mean i have nothing to say? does it mean that god doesn't want me to go or even that he isn't speaking to me?
* could it mean that i haven't found that total dependence on god yet?

whatever it means i'm ready to face it. i called a good friend in l.a. today and he offered some great advice. i will say that i trust timothy since he is a trusted friend, preacher, and gifted speaker. when i told him that i was nervous and not finished he said two things:

* if i was nervous then i wasn't trusting in god enough and relying on myself to much
* if i would commit my time and talk to him then the nervousness will go away and leave room for god to show up

it isn't always easy for me to release my hold on something that i care about but he was right, i do need to let go and let god show up. for some of these young people this is their last chance before they get locked up and if i'm honest i can't be the one to save them.

life today

2006-06-18T21:26:00.000-05:00

for the last 3 years i've lived in the historic distoric of my city and my house has 3 floors and each floor is a seperate apartment. so thursday night at about 9 pm i decided that all 3 floors needed to have a yard sale on saturday moroning. so aparently that is pretty short noticed but we got together late friday night and started brining stuff out. i got up at 6 am the next morning and got the rest of my house up and ready to work. we were all set-up by 8 am and stayed open until 5 pm. it was 92 degrees out but we all made great money and decided to donate anything that didn't sell. so needless to say i feel like it was a productive weekend (tiring, but productive).

this next week is my last week in the office since then i'm off for a week to a quaker camp in iowa to speak at a senior high camp. this week i need to finalize my talks for the kids and get their hand-outs ready. i keep waiting for god to give me this super holy, spiritual, and completely divine talk, but i'm going back to what i believe i started with 3 months ago.

then i fly back from iowa and 12 hours later leave for l.a. on vacation (well at least i think i'm going). at this point i'm thinking about not going, my plane ticket was free and the condo is free so i wouldn't be out any money if i decided to not go, but if i stayed here i could go camping with the kids. if i don't go i'll be missing out on a week at the condo and what i know will be a lot of fun.

so there it is, my life as it stands today.

a much needed rest

2006-06-18T21:17:00.000-05:00

i haven't blogged in over 2 months, not because i had nothing to say but more because i just needed some internal time to sort life out. so much has happened that i don't know where to start.

my company bought another company (thus tons of change for me, but all change that i'm thrilled to be apart of)
my brother married the love of his life (it took me a lot of prayers and many months to finally realize that i wasn't losing him but gaining an entire family)
my mom and i talked opening and honestly for the first time in my adult life (god is good and we have a better relationship now then i've ever prayed for)
i actually found a church home (in the last 2 years i new that mars hill was not for me, but i walked into madison square 4 months ago and have felt god move like never before)
i'm actually enjoying life!

lectivo divina

2006-04-08T11:23:00.000-05:00

this is the second time that i've done a lectivo divina exercise in the past week and both times i've meditated on different verses but the same phrase has come up both times and it should be apparent but sometimes it just isn't. "get up and go". what is god telling me? what have i forgotten to do, what have i ignored? what don't i get?

having recently heard a talk by david anderson about abraham, david talked about abraham being called to go to the land of cainan but that he stopped before he made it and stayed in the desert. so after this david posed a question: are you stuck or stopped because if you are just stuck then there is hope because you can become un-stuck.

so now my question is am i stuck and don't even know it? am i stopped and refuse to accept it? or am i simply on this journey to get me to that place god has called me to? twice in one week god has spoken "get up and go" but i'm not sure what it is going to take to actually do that.

contemplative youth ministry retreat

2006-04-08T11:13:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting with about 150 youth workers/pastors in oak brook, il at a retreat with mark yaconelli. he asked everyone to take 30 minutes to meditate on 3 things:

what is my cry for mercy?
invitation to trust?
gratitude

i didn't meditate on any of these (because i forgot my camera at the hotel so i went back to do that) but were back now and it is interesting to hear all that god spoke to these people. they are being vulnerable with themselves and each other. as someone shares what god spoke to them you can look around and see the affirmation as others shake their heads or echo their sentiments.

mark is taking us through a lectio divina exercise which is always interesting to go through with people you don't know. there seems to be some uncomfortableness with doing something outside of yourself.

my first trip to san diego

2006-02-24T16:02:00.000-05:00

npc is almost over and vacation will be starting soon but it all seems to be going by so fast. this has been a great trip to san diego (my first time here) so far and i'm looking forward to experiencing more of its culture but first things are first. we still have 24 hours left of this convention and things just seem to be getting busier. we have about 1550 pastors here who all seem to be enjoying themselves so far. it is always interesting to see who comes to these types of events and what they'll do with their time while they're here. some go to every workshop and leave completely overwhelmed by information that they will either never use or have no idea to use what they just got and how to use it. or they don't go to anything in hopes of avoiding whatever it is that god is trying to tell them. and then there are those who come and hear speakers who change their lives and sometimes even their callings.

it is always interesting to watch pastors be served by others (most of them don't know how to do it). they come in excited about a new product or idea they heard about and want to talk about someone else who has used it. or they'll tell you about a product they've been using and encourage you to buy it and take it back to your church. regardless of the patterns and habits of these pastors they are fun people to be around who love the church and love god.

5 days and counting

2006-02-12T21:33:00.000-05:00

i leave for california on friday and i don't feel prepared at all. i did manage to pack a good majority of my summer(ish) clothes but there are so many more things to do. i'm trying to get a tan (of course the fake way) so i'm not the palest mexican in all of california. but i've only gone 2 times since i got my membership since the first time i got a little red on the back side (i didn't want to risk burning and then peeling) waited 2 days and then got a little red on the front. i'm not sure if i'll be able to go back tomorrow or not.

i also really want to get in the habit of working out in the morning instead of waiting until 8 or 9 at night when the gym isn't as crowded as an after thanksgiving sale. but, instead i took at 2 hour nap this afternoon and now i'm watching desperate housewives and then grey's anatomy so i won't get enough sleep, won't want to get up in the morning, and therefore won't get my early morning workout.

oh yeah and i haven't done laundry in a week in a half so by the time that i actually do it i have 10 loads (okay not really) but more than i'll want to do the day before i leave.

just asking but....

2006-02-10T21:36:00.000-05:00

are you corporate ghetto? not sure what that even mean? if you're curious check this blog out

i just wanted to make a post

2006-02-10T21:23:00.000-05:00

ever since the fall i either haven't wanted to blog or have just been too lazy to do it, but in the last few weeks i really wanted to blog and i couldn't. i can blame it on my laziness but the reality is that i thought i forgot my password b/c i couldn't get into my blog anymore. since i'm sitting in my house tonight sick i thought what a better time to sit down and figure this thing out.

i tried every email address and possible user name i would have used in the past 10 years but nothing seemed to work. randomly i clicked on the user profile and noticed that i've moved from a 29 year old woman to a 31 year old man. it wasn't even that i was clued in then, it was when i began reading all of "my favorites" and suddenly i realized that i had become my brother and he had taken over my blog.

since we use the same computer i can see how this would happen. and after he used someone else's paypal (the former owner of my mac) account to buy my mom's christmas gift i knew this sounded like something he would do (and not even notice).

so i did what most people would, i hacked into my blog with his account information and deleted his blog. tomorrow or sunday i'm committed to showing him how to do this blog thing himself, but until then he is never allowed to be a 29 year old woman again!

tony --thanks for the laugh i love you!

saddness for my friends

2006-01-12T19:59:00.000-05:00

in november i was able to meet sandy at the last nywc of the season. the first time i saw her someone was hugging her. i watched the interaction between sandy and this other person for a few moments and knew instantly she was a women whom people loved. at the end of the convention i was able to watch the ys staff that knew and loved her shower her with kind smiles, hugs, and hellos.

little did i know that sandy was fighting a battle that took her life last weekend. her funeral is tonight and many friends have made the trip from san diego to detroit for the funeral. knowing this group of people; i know that they love hard and have hearts that are hurting for both sandy's family and themselves. i'm so sorry that this is now part of their story but i'm so grateful for the times that they've all shared with her.

to my friends who are so sad by sandy's passing i hope to one day see the smiles on your faces that were there every time you were with her. blessing

tyler perry and his alter personality madea

2005-11-08T23:25:00.000-05:00

i love tyler perry. if you don't know who he is maybe you've heard of diary of a mad black woman but if you haven't heard of that maybe you've seen in your local blockbuster madea's family reunion and all of the others.

well he came to grand rapids (which in of itself is a far stretch for our normally pretty light and dutch community). tyler is an amazing actor, writer, and follower of god. if you've never watched one of his plays i would recommend it. each one has a message and is sounded in truth about god. they are real and nearly everyone in the audience can relate on some level.

what i loved most was simply laughing for 2 1/2 hours straight. trying to figure out if my throat was sore because i laughed so loud for so long or if it was from the bruit cologne (if i can call it that) that the man next to me was wearing. regarless it is nearly midnight and i can't stop laughing yet. i keep thinking of all the great one-liners given tonight and will be waiting the best i can to see the next tyler perry production.

sometimes just being heard is enough

2005-11-07T17:08:00.000-05:00

i met with denise vanek from mars hill today. i don't know what i expected but i knew from the first time that i met her that i liked her. i felt like i could trust her and that i would be safe.

for the last 2 years i've struggled with church. church as an institution, church as a building, and church as an unhappy place. last summer i even went so far as to leave the church (well i withdrew my membership) but i still went there and prayed that god would show me a church that would make me happy. in the year and a half since then no one from the church ever called, ever wrote, and possibly didn't even care. well that is what i thought at least until today.

i told denise my story, my concerns, and my questions. she didn't try to answer them but she did listen. she didn't offer any excuses but an apology. she gave me exactly what i needed. she gave me herself for the time that we were together. she gave me hope. she also gave me encouragement.

i can't assume that the questions are gone but the restlessness in my heart is somehow soothed.

i can't believe i can see again

2005-11-04T18:34:00.000-05:00

i've been wearing glasses ever since the 2nd grade. but, as if that isn't bad enough for a kid i went into bi-focals in the 4th grade and had them ever sine. over the last year or so i've noticed that my glasses really haven't been working (or at least as well as i thought they should). so i decided to go this week and have my eyes checked and found out i don't even need bi-focals anymore.

now this was the most amazing news i had in a long time. then of course he gave me the bad news. while my reading vision was great for the first time in 20 years my distant vision basically sucks. the whole not being able to read street signs at night was finally making sense.

i of course was thrilled to have an excuse to get new glass and found these great red funky little things that are totally me. well i was able to pick them up today and love them. not only do they actually look okay on me i really can see. i drove all over just to look at street signs and then went back out once it was dark to see if they still did, and they do. i can't believe the modern miracle of glasses.

vacation with the kids

2005-10-28T12:30:00.000-05:00

i left for vacation yesterday and drove the 8 hours it takes to get to western ny. it did seem like it's been that long since i've seen the kids but they had all grown soo much i couldn't believe it. i was grateful that they let me sleep in why they got ready for school. i'm going to make my rounds on monday to 3 different classes and go to each of their school parties for halloween.

i'm also very sad about news that we got this morning about my grandma. she had small heart attack earlier this week (they found a blood clot in the main artery of her heart) but it was all brought on by the mass they found in her lung. just this morning we found out that she does indeed have lung cancer and that it is bad (she is in stage 4). in about an hour or so they are going do surgery to drain the fluid from her lung and then to repair the hole in her from the drainage tube. we all realize it is a matter of time and the question is how will that time be spent...

a dinner full of laughs

2005-10-15T07:42:00.000-05:00

thursday night was the crazy madness sale that pushes all of the store staff to their limits and we love it. and, pittsburgh was exactly what we thought it would be a slower trickle until critical concerns got out and then we had the rush we were waiting for. so after a very long night mindi, jeannie O, lilly, and i decided to have sushi for dinner.

now for me i've just recently met lilly, not spent a lot of time with jeannie (although i always love being with her) and mindi is very much my partner in crime so i knew this would be a great dinner with amazing women that i could learn more about. well it really was that and so much more. we laughed so hard and it really was fun to just be a girl and share that with these other amazing women who love jesus.

nywc #2 pittsburgh

2005-10-12T20:37:00.000-05:00

i made it in yesterday morning after 2 very quick flights from gr to detroit and then detroit to pittsburgh. it isn't even 10 pm and i'm already back in my room (which is a record during convention)and feeling really great about the staff of volunteers and how the store looks right now. it felt really tight in sacramento so things as simple as more room has done wonders.

when i left sacramento i really felt like how could the staff of volunteers possibly live up to the staff in sac, but this team is amazing. i had hoped that wouldn't compare and i don't think that will be a problem. i have made contacts already with the volunteers that i will be working specifically with and i'm thrilled with the folks mindi and glenn are giving me. the thing about all of these volunteers that has blown me away is that a great majority of them travel to one of the three cities to volunteer and go to another just to attend with their staffs. i could be wrong but i that that alone is what makes this convention stand out against other youth ministry conventions.

the convention and store officially open tomorrow and we will again have our madness sale. i pray for our attendees, for our volunteers, for all of our speakers, and for the ys staff in general. each person here is working their tales off, not getting enough sleep, and still in love with serving.

be careful of what you ask for

2005-10-08T23:05:00.000-05:00

this past spring i drove down to chicago and attended one of the ys core events and marko was the speaker. it is always a great time to hear marko teach but after this half day seminar i walked away and wanted to be a junior high boys youth leader. but since i'm a women that probably wouldn't work. now, i've had this thought since then but it was nothing i imagined would ever really happen.

that was until tonight. you see i was out shopping with one of my cousins tonight and then went to her house where 4 boys between 11-12 were and we decided to take them to the haunt (at great haunted house). for any of you who are junior high leaders (thank you)and no i don't think that what i did tonight can even compare, but man did i learn that god laughs at the things we ask for.

we stood outside for almost 2 hours waiting to get in and then found some friends (and yes we cut in the line only after 3 of the original 4 boys decided they really didn't want to go through the haunted house). and, even though we lost 3 of our boys we picked up another 4 (that we cut with) and they went through the maze with us. what i did learn is that boys scream just like girls, they really do like to pass a lot of gas in crowded areas and then blame each other, and i should stop asking god to make me a junior high boys leader.

i never thought i would say this...

2005-10-08T10:46:00.000-05:00

i'm in michigan and love it. i finally made it home last night around 8:30 and it was cold and dark, but i was home.

for the last five years i've struggled with living here and even more so in the last two years since my parents moved struggled with not having a home. i don't know if it is b/c i'm single, b/c i don't have kids, or what but i have felt homeless but with a home. i've struggled with finding a church home and being empty. i've said time and time again how silent god was in my life. but, i was wrong.

it wasn't until i went on a spiritual retreat a few weeks ago that i realized that god wasn't silent in my life but was in the silence that i didn't let in my life and he was waiting. i was going to move out of my house this weekend to a different apartment and realized that i couldn't. i realized that this is my home or at least for today it is. god told me in that silence that "he is here, to stop fighting the church, to love the community that he has put me in, and that i have a home, a family, and that i'm loved".

it all came together last night on the plane when i watched a sunset from thousands of miles in the sky, with clouds all around me, with silence in my life. but, more than anything i knew when i finally made it home (and yes this is home) that people were going to be there waiting for me and were excited to have me back. people that prayed for me while i was gone, prayed for me to return saftely, but most importantly have been here in my life the entire time. i think like god my friends and family waited for me to be silent and just let them love me.

thank you...

my luck sucks...

2005-10-07T16:15:00.000-05:00

so i really had thought about flying standby earlier today since i'm so ready to get home. but, the convention was going great so i stayed as late as possible. i left for the airport it took me just over an hour (which is great timing considering the traffic and rain). then i couldn't get checked in quickly, didn't think i would get through security (seriously i should know by now not to wear metal and that the tsa likes to search me) instead i wore metal like a mad woman. finally made it to my gate and had less than a half an hour before boarding.

until...

they came across the overhead and said my flight was going to be delayed. they were a bit vague and said it could be an hour or two late. normally this wouldn't frustrate me soo much but for the love of god why can't i just get on a plane and go home?

why...

catalyst is great but i get to go home tomorrow

2005-10-06T19:46:00.000-05:00

well day one of catalyst is under our belts and we managed to giveaway over 5,000 tniv pocket bibles to the convention attendees. never in our wildest dreams did we think that we would be able to give them all away but if the right product you just never know. i heard comments like "is that the gender neutral bible, don't you have another color, or even i just want the niv" so you never know when someone just won't appreciate a gift. but, more than anything i heard "thank you soo much you have no idea what this gift means to me..."

i did have a great surprise waiting for me when i got to this hotel yesterday from aletha and megan. while i always have fun when i'm on the road and doing conventions i still miss home, work, and of course my friends. so, megan and aletha i'll see you both on monday and thanks so much for making my day yesterday.

one of the highlights of today was seeing soo many people from my home church New Covenant Free Methodist Church the part that was so great for me was not just seeing them but knowing what a role they played in my life. steve and tammy were there and i realized again had it not been for them taking time to love me when i was 15 i might not be the person i am today. and then seeing pastor dale and knowing that he was the person that baptized me and also played a huge role in my life was very real.

but, what i'm most excited about is that i get to go home tomorrow. as much as i love traveling, collecting frequent flyer miles, and sleeping on someone else's bed it will be great to get home and just breathe.

oh yes and if you have never heard donald miller or read any of his books i totally recommend it. i heard him today and was stunned by his realness.

the convention is almost over

2005-10-03T12:13:00.000-05:00

today is monday and everyone is buzzing around waiting for the last general session to start. it has been a good convention (long) but good. i've heard so many stories from youth workers across the country this week that have been encouraging, saddening, and very real. my prayer for all of the attendees has been that they would leave hopeful, have something they didn't have before they got here, shared a bit of themselves with their peers, and most of all have been served by ys and all of their volunteers.

one of the most visible things that happened were the anti-gay, anti-gay marriage guys that decided to protest on the corner of the convention center and say they were with YS. it is always nice to spread a gospel full of hate. but like any rebellious teenager their youth workers aren't much different so our attendees started an anti-protest against the protesters. so i borrowed a video camera and started interviewing the people on the streets. it was a great experience and allowed me a bit of creativity.

well the general session is about to start and then we are on for the mad rush of tearing this place down and then i'm onto the next city.

pray for our volunteers, the ys staffer, and myself as we leave the convention and begin to decompress everything that has taken place over the last week.

the girls are moving

2005-10-01T13:12:00.000-05:00

today two of the women i love most in the world are moving away from me (okay it is less than a mile but they are moving). i'm so excited for them today as a new adventure starts for both of them. jody bought a beautiful house even though a lot of things could have changed her mind at any point along the journey and i believe god will bless her because of that. what makes me sad is that i'm not there to be apart of it and to help.

i pray that today god blessings and affirmation are sent to them and that they know how much they have changed my life and how much i need them in it!

one life revolution

2005-10-01T12:28:00.000-05:00

today i went through something like never before. one life revolution part of world vision set up an exhibit at the sacramento nywc. just from the outside of it you would think this is just another cool booth that is attractive and wants to bring people in. but, in reality it is much more than that it is a booth that brings awareness to an epidemic that most try to ignore. one life revolution is about hiv/aid in africa and how people are dying, being orphaned, being abused.

this booth is different than any other that i've ever seen and when i went to it i don't think that i was really ready for what i was about to encounter. there are three tracks that take you through a year of 3 different people and then you must face the hardest of them all. you are tested for aids and must wait in this make shift clinic (which is actually a real clinic in africa set up by world vision and wait) the boy who's shoes i was walking in (stephen) did not have hiv but the wait the not knowing was so real it was as if it was my life and my health in jeopardy.

general session #1

2005-09-30T15:22:00.000-05:00

mark yaconelli is leading the first general session for this years NYWC. it is my first time to meet him and to see him live. he is his fathers son. he started talking about affirmation.

mark started by telling us that we just need to see the kids. i think back onto all of the girls i've been with in the last 10 years and didn't see and it is a bit surreal. but, then he said that if we just take time to see the kid how amazing it can be to watch the compassion come out of us. i believe in this and that the mere concept can transcend cultures. so the way i see it is once i figure out what breaks me and i mean really breaks me i can start to really see people again. i've often been moved by whatever was driving my passion at that moment but not by what breaks me. if i can figure that part out the seeing and compassion will follow.

photos

2005-09-30T12:48:00.000-05:00

it's opening day

2005-09-30T12:06:00.000-05:00

it's friday morning/afternoonish and things are really starting to pick up. i have so many pictures to share but i'm afraid it will take up too much room but will put up as many as possible.

on tuesday i managed to get an hour long nap in and then was off to dinner with the entire store volunteer team. some of the things that happened. David and Jay made me laugh so hard that i started to cry. i taught our entire table how to make fart noises with a flexi straw using your armpit. it was a huge hit with all of the jr high leaders. david was presented with a birthday icecream cup and we all (yes there was at least 20 of us) stood on our chairs in the middle of the restaurant and sang happy birthday. (don't tell but it really wasn't his birthday at all)

wednesday was crazy we were up early and finishing everything. it is amazing to see the nothiness of an arena come to be a place of worship. it was a lot of work and the ys staff and volunteers do something like i've never seen before. i hope that anyone reading this will get a feel for the convention through the photos.

thursday was probably the longest day of the convention and it officially didn't even start then. but it was a day that registration, the store, critical concern courses, and the exhibit hall all opened. the part of the day is long is the "madness sale" this is the only time attendees can come into the store and buy ys product for 30% off or more and if you've ever done youth work you know that money is always and issue so anytime you can find a good deal you take advantage of it.

the longest day ever

2005-09-27T19:21:00.000-05:00

well i've made it to sacramento safe after a long day at the airports and on the plane. i was up at 3:30 am EST (so really 12:30 am in sacramento) and finally made it here at 11:30 am pacific. i was excited to get to my hotel and head over to the convention center.

for anyone who has never seen a NYWC and watched the volunteers set-up with place it is amazing. the exhibitors hall and the store had already been built and youth workers were busily folding t-shirts. the beauty of this experience is that these people work hard and most of them take a week of vacation to come and serve thousands of youth workers. I've included a couple of pictures for your enjoyment. One is of jen howver building chairs for the DCLA booth (the sad part is she has some sweet roller skates on that i didn't catch), one is of her honey jay who is the ys publisher and has the watz up homey look on his face. but, seriously the funniest one that i've got so far is the trampoline in the middle of the store (the theme this year is "jump")

well i'm off to get some rest before i head out to dinner with the ys staff and volunteers.

the withward movement

2005-09-27T19:09:00.000-05:00

so i've struggled with going to mars hill for a couple of years now but still haven't found someplace that i was learning like i did there. one of my problems was the fact that no matter how involved i got i still sat in a room of 3,000 strangers every week. but, what actually happened was i withdrew from the people and church that loved me. it wasn't until after a recent spiritual retreat that god began speaking to me and saying stop fighting the institution and just find the church.

well i don't know that i have the answers or that i'm even close to them yet but i have gone back for the last two weeks with tasha and jody and it's been good. this weekend particularly was amazing. rob taught from Ephesians and about "the new man = new humanity" and how as new humanity we are all aware of what we have in common with each other. rob is going through this teaching on direction and this weeks was on "withward" and that being withward was that no one can live life alone. i had no idea that while i walked away from the institution i also walked away from community.

the life of traveling

2005-09-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

i will be leaving next tuesday for sacramento where i'll be hanging out with all of my ys friends and 3400 youth workers. i can't imagine life getting any better than being with people who devote their lives to being with kids. i'll be out there for a week and then on the 4th i'll head to atlanta for 4 days of rest and relaxation or working my hiney off at another convention. this one is going to be killer since it will be with 8500 church leaders who just love people and love our product. it is kinda scary since this is a new venture for me. i pressed doug (our new pres) to let us have a huge showing at the event and we are so please pray! then i'll come home for 3 days and head out to pittsburgh to hang out with ys again and even more youth workers.

i'll try to blog daily and keep everyone up-to-date on my latest and greatest but until then please pray for safe travels, that hearts will be touch, and that i can do a great service for my company.

Anca's new journey

2005-06-10T19:02:00.000-05:00

i found out recently that a dear friend was being let go from her job. a job that she poured herself into, a job that introduced us. yet she was seemingly and somehow i was not. i was mad, hurt, in disbelief, i was anything but okay. you have to know anca to understand the strength that this woman carries. a strength that i can't begin to understand, but will stand on her sidelines and cheer her nonetheless. as she would tell someone her story she would tell you how God had been preparing her for this move for over a year. "how could God be preparing you to be laid off from your job? how could you not be angry at God for leaving you alone? how could you..." these were all of the questions i had and probably still do, but they are not my questions, they are anca's and she embraces them. i guess that is why she can move forward.

last night i said goodbye to anca and realized that for a month and a half i won't hear her laughter, she may not speak wisdom into my life, that this unbelievable friend was beginning this new journey of her life. i can't believe the selfless heart she has been given and that God is letting me be apart of that.

growing up in the states seems simple, i was born, have had a pretty easy life, and will someday die. but, in so many other places across the earth people are not privilaged to the life i am.

anca was born in a country far from the states, but she hasn't forgotten her people. the first chance she was given to go back and serve them she jumped at it. for that i am honored to call her friend and sister. i sit in my blameless *beautiful* life here in the midwest and dream of day that i will be able to go into "foreign" countries and help their people. but, i'm learning that before i can go out i must first look in. i hope that someday i will have enough courage to face my neighbors and serve them. until then i will watch my friend and learn from her courageous heart, walk on her journey with her, pray Jesus hold me close and teaches me His way. anca is a true disciple of Jesus, she doesn't try to split our tribes, just to heal them.